A is for A-L-L-E-R-G-Y

It's 2 in the morning, raining hard and I should still be snuggling in bed right now, but no. There's this itch I just can't help scratching - LITERALLY. So apparently, the allergy got into me again. This time it was a one hit K.O. I have big as in BIIIIIG rashes all over my body. Eeeeew! I know. And they're all mighty itchy as in big time ITCHY as in it-got-me-out-of-bed-showering-in-the-dawn-itchy. That's how itchy it really is.
The last time I've had an allergy attack like this (or worse) was when I was in my preschool years. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feel disgust as I see my monster-like face filled with big rashes (even bigger than the ones I have now). So yeah,  I've always been a girl allergic to things and by that I mean, Tempra - you know, the Paracetamol thing, cherry-flavored? Ring a bell? Maybe that's most of the reason why I can't seem to eat cherries or cherry-flavored food for that matter, because it tastes like Tempra. Anyway, come teen years, the allergy became different, now attacks come from dust. Come college time, it worsened and attacks came from all sorts of things - strong odors, smoke (cigarette and car smoke), plastic, rubber, zonrox, Surf, Tide, and of course, dust. Allergic Rhinitis, baby. I can pinpoint a whole lot from my family, actually with allergic rhinitis - all my brothers included.
Having an allergy is indeed hard. Oftentimes I don't think of it as such but right now, it's all I can ever think of. Gosh, I can't stop scratching myself and irritates the hell out of me. Please be gone now, I need to finish up a few things, and sleep as I won't be doing much of that anymore next week.

New plane

So it's the 2nd week of the semestral break and I'm having a blast at making the most out of it. I have learned a lot of things for the past months. I learned a lot not only about academic stuff but myself as well - study habits, what works best for me, and a lot more. I never thought I can actually enjoy medschool. 

First off, I have been depressed for some time now. Though I haven't gotten over it fully, I think I'm better and more functional. I just had a lot of things in mind for the past days and it was just too much to handle given that I don't have that much friends in le Manille and I have been spending too much time alone. I've never had that in my life. There were always friends. I am no extrovert for no reason. So before the semester ended, I had this self-reflection and talked to myself a lot and reflected A LOT to finally figure things out. And finally, it worked. I finally got myself on track again. Somehow, on track again. Not yet perfectly in line, but it's a good thing I'm somehow having a grip on things again. ☺

Speaking of friends, not that I don't have any, it's just that, my social life didn't end in school hours then. In fact, for all of my college years and more, my social life just starts after class hours. So, it was definitely a difficult adjustment - a painful one. For the past 3 months, I have been eating breakfast and dinners A-L-O-N-E. Whenever I feel down or bad about something, I have to deal with it A-L-O-N-E. After classes, I go straight home (a.k.a dorm), put my shoes in the rack, open the door, smile at my roomate and our communication for the day ends. How sucky is that?! So anyway, I'm still trying to get past that part. And living with it - trying. 

I'm just glad I have some support crowd around me. A different set from what I'm used to but definitely one of the reasons I'm still fighting and going to classes everyday. I'm more than thankful  I have Steph, Melvin, Jeanne and Justin. Med School is more wonderful with them. So yes, maybe I am ready to grow and traverse this new pavement. It used to be 'unknown' but now I can claim it as a 'new plane'. 

We find the most brilliant of people in the most unexpected time of our lives.

The Long Weekend Equation

Sooooo, I've been depressed for the longest time AND not functioning well. Not to mention, lonely. So here are some of the videos I've been killing the replay button for. I do hope you guys enjoy! :)

Right There - Nicole Scherzinger ft. 50 Cent

This I know is such a sexy time song but whatev. I like dancing to it. It just has this ultimate relaxing feel. Haha Or maybe, I just miss clubbing so muuuuuch.

Keep Your Head Up - Andy Grammer

From something sexy, let's skip into something wholesome now, shall we? :) Since I started blogging, I've been looking for inspirational videos every now and then and post them here. As of now, here's as inspirational as it gets. I do like this song, more so the artist - such 'tagos-sa-puso' lyrics and overflowing talent. Thank you for Billboard's Top 100 for introducing me to this lovely find. :)

Bad Teacher, 2011

It's been awhile since I equated funny to a movie. I must say, THIS IS A MUST-SEE. On the trailer alone, I've been laughing my guts out already (though I haven't watched it yet, nor downloaded it - soon I hope). Such a hilarious film perfect for a suicidal student like me. Haha

T.G.I.F. - Katy Perry

And here my friends, is such an overly-funny MV. I swear by this video. Haha! I was only able to watch it a few secs ago (sorry, I've been REAL busy, you know), and I must say, I really can't help but play it over and over and over again. It was such a treat seeing Katy Perry this funny coupled with tons of fave artists. Honestly though, I didn't know that the Hansons still has a career. Anyhoo, it has been nice to see them again. Brings me back to my old 3rd grade self. :) Plus plus plus! Awesome glee stars - Darren Criss and Kevin McHale. Ha! I died watching this video. And not to mention, Rebecca Black. I had no idea that she's likable. Haha 


Sooooo this prolly will be my last entry for this day (or month). Thank goodness for long weekends. Writing, blogging, surfing I missed! ♥

Unfamiliar plane

And it's one of those nights wherein you feel alone, depressed and uncalled for. 

It's hard to be depressed, mind you. A lot of people claim they are when they only think they are. 

When you're already in it, you honestly can't shout it out the whole world just because you do not want where you're currently at.

You don't like your predisposition. You want a way out only, you can't.

You can't because you have your worst enemy. And it's yourself - more particularly, your mind.

Sometimes you actually think you're crazy, having all these thoughts, these 'plans'.

And it's not good; it can never be. 

But most of the time you just want someone to talk to, more so, to listen. 

And you can find no one around - not because there ain't any, but because true friends are rare these days.

Friends who won't pass any judgment; friends who will directly tell when they do have made some judgments. 

I miss my friends.

I miss myself.

Somehow, some way, I have lost her. And I better find her soon else, I'd be alone, empty, shallow

and lonely in this endless pit. 

ALONE. LONELY. EMPTY.

IN THIS ENDLESS PIT.

All's well that ends so-so well

Life has a funny way in giving us what we want. It has its own timing and twists to get the story more interesting. You know a funnier thing? Talking about life as if it's whole other person just around the corner. Haha sorry. I just don't know the proper term to coin it since I don't want to sound preachy, tackling about God; or dreamy by talking about destiny. So yes, let's talk about life. After all, it's what this blog's about.

Going back, yes, life is indeed at times funny, always unpredictable and sometimes cruel. Just a few weeks back, I was crying my eyes out, self-analyzing and crushed. Honestly, it was such a huge blow to have a rejection that massive. It was a first for me. Though I haven't recovered fully from that one yet, here I am, trying to suck all there is left to try and hold my head up high (but not too high to forget the ground I'm stepping at).

Maybe this is life's way of teaching me to be patient and maintain my cool whatever situation I find myself at. It's a tough one to learn, I know, but at least in the end, Life and I both got what we want from each other (or I did, at least. Haha).

Try to read between the lines.

P.S. This song completes my morning ritual every single day. It just uplifts my spirit every time I hear it. I just don't know how it's related with this post, indirectly, maybe? HAHA

P.P.S. Which reminds me, I should be reading Guyton right now. Ta-tah!

TABULA RASA: Toughen up little soldier, toughen up

 Often in our lives do we find ourselves unexpectedly falling in a pit that seem to be endless, scary, dark and achluophobic. Oftentimes too, do we grope and fumble in search of that "light" that we only make up in our heads; or, make ourselves believe in false hopes that lead us to making up our own versions of reality which in truth is definitely far from one. And often do we try to make ourselves feel better by just shrugging everything off, thinking that it is the best possible way we can do to cope.

Yes, pits can give us that sense of affright we don't expect to get when we're traveling our way in this thing called life. It may well be scary, but isn't that the thrill to it? What's the use of having to live a life where one already knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the future?

I had someone remind me recently that life goes on that way - it never gives us exactly what we want. Sure, sometimes it does, but not all the time. You just have to make do of anything and everything that you currently have.

A few months, weeks, days ago, I had a different thought on what I'd write under this same title. That time, I thought it'll symbolize the new life I'd be facing as I fulfill my life-long dream. I was wrong. Life flatly shouted, "Not for you, dear! Another time, another day!". Well, for that, someone out to teach Life on how to be polite and subtle.

Oh well, 'another time, another day,' it is, then. I'm done crying about it. Well, it did do me good for a couple of days, mind you. But after some time, I tired of it - making myself sad. There's no one in this world capable of bringing and making your self feel pain than yourself. So, I eventually realized that crying may seem to help emotionally and mentally, but it won't help in actually solving the problem. And whoala, here I am, trying my best to slowly face it head-on.

I am not a believer that our lives are already crafted out for us. For all I know, we all are makers of our own destiny and that so-called destiny is the end of our own means. And so for that destiny of mine, this is just another bump on the road - one of the pivoting forces I may be able to use someday to plummet my way to reach what seem to be unreachable as of now. I know one day, I'll look back, and think that I truly needed this whole time and experience to be where I've always wanted to be.

These may all seem to be pretty amazing and ideal. But honestly, I don't believe all of these yet. The important thing is, at least I'm already getting there. Acceptance is such an aversive little thing. For now, I'd like to think of this as a new passageway. A clear passageway instead of a dark, scary one. A new clean slate instead of a cleaned slate. And deep down, I know, I'm already getting excited of all the things I can put in it to finish my collage at the end of this all.

I have chosen to just laugh about it

For today, I:

• *drew three men. Two of which involves drawing their whole abdominal and guts area just so I can portray the quadrants and regions of the body AND the the last one being the luckiest who gets to have all his insides and other parts complete (yes, ALL intricate parts one can think of);
• *drew the cell and its parts (which by the way is a 4th for me in the span of 4 meetings);
• *drew the phases of mitosis (the last time being on my second year in high school);
• *started reading one of the 4 chapters that wasn't discussed at all but we're gonna have an exam on;
• *burst of all the things that got me into the conclusion that for the last 2 weeks that I've been attending classes, I AM STILL NOT LEARNING ANYTHING.

I also:

• *reminisced at the discussion we last had during my human anatomy and physiology class (fondest memories will have to be: my prof saying that The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottom is a true to life story; and our National bird is an Eating-Monkey Eagle);
• *recalled our last mcb lab: which includes having to sit-in for an examination with a different section OF A DIFFERENT SUBJECT (what the hell, right?!); my prof forgetting about the exam; her forgetting about everything that lapses in an hour; AND having to sit-in for another laboratory class with a different subject, specifically zoology and end up having to do MORE than the zoo kids;
• *ranted with the boyfriend of all the things that has happened with me on that school since I went in.

On one side, it is indeed very irritating and painful in the head. WHAT IS THIS PLACE?! But at the end of the day, one need not be affected with all these things, or at least try to be. Rant it all out ONCE, and then forget about it. I guess that'll be the best way to handle it. By this time, I have indeed accepted the fact that expectations - my expectations - were not met at the very least, even. 

Oh well, that's life. You get lemons, squeeze them and get some mungbean in return instead of a lemonade. Surprise, surprise! 

O, BILI BILI NA! HOPIA MUNGGO, HOPIA MUNGGO! 

A post that should've been the first

Usually when I see interesting blogs with themes, I tend to envy them - "Wow, napakagaling naman nilang mag-isip" - of course, I value intelligence in whatever form it may be, no! But then again, more often than not, their entries are not entirely for themselves - for impressing other people. I mean why even bother writing something that does not entirely reflect what you have in mind and what you feel? I rarely encounter blogs that are genuine reflections of its authors. And when I find one, I am in deep awe mostly.

Well, as you may all have guessed, this is not one of those themed blogs. At first I intended it to be a travel blog. But then, I realized I don't have that much time and money to actually travel to a lot of places. Haha! Kawawang bata. So, I just thought that I should put it up for another place in time. Somewhere, somehow I'll get to that luxury. But not now.

I have this blog not because I want to impress other people, or brag about things I have, had and experienced.

I just want it to be an extension of that little part of my mind that once dreamt to become a writer of fiction novels during childhood, and apparently just ended up writing scientific papers instead. I want this to log places that I have been to and will be going to just so I can somehow immortalize the feel that pictures can't seem to portray. And lastly, I want this to be a venue for practice. Yes, somehow a practice of an almost-hovered passion in literary and feature writing.

I know I need not explain, this is not an explanation, really. Just something to remind me why I started this one in the first place when that time comes that I have nothing else to mind but my busy life.

NTS: Always remember that the literary world will be that one solace in the unmindful world for you (well, that's aside from pag-ibig, katarungan at mga kaibigan).

P.S. Did I ever mention that I used to rewrite short stories and fables when I was younger? Oh, the young geek that I was.

Basta pag nasa elbi, laging happy!

HAHAHA Stupid and lame rhyming pero what the heck. I have just been overly joyed with my last visit at my University. Samahan mo pa ng pagkain, alak (though I didn't drink that much - defensive?☺), videoke and of course FRIENDS! Oh yeah! Walang init-init kahit na summer na summer!

DAY 1:

A fun and intimate day with le boyf. :)

I really missed this. When we were still attending classes, we frequented this place. We just love how serene and relaxing this one place seem to be. We have taken too many strolls down its pavement and grasses; sat at all the cemented benches; looked at the different clouds passing by; and talked about all too many dreams, plans, frustrations and happiness. Freedom Park will always be a special place for the two of us - it has been that sole place that has seen us and our love blossom.Aw! Mushy! HAHA
DAY 2:

Lunch at Eat Sumo and dinner at Auntie Pearl's

Of course, an elbi visit can never be complete if we do not meet-up with friends. The people we have learned to call friends will always be dear to us aside from the place itself. "Lahat ng bagay nagiging masaya kapag kaibigan ang kasama". True enough. ☺




DAY 3:

Fun fun day with Grekka, Nica and Kuya Wilson. As always, I extended my elbi stay. Was supposed to go home the day after but due to that overwhelming happiness only felt with closest friends, I ended up staying a tad longer than planned. Pero okay lang. Sulit na sulit namang talaga!
Nang magising si Nica, narealize niyang gusto niya talagang mag-swimming. So, an hour later, tadaaaah! Nasa Pook na kami ni Mariang Makiling at nageenjoy sa mainit na panahon at malamig na tubig. Sarap eh! ♥

Elbi will always be that one place I can de-stress. It has always been that comfort zone that clothes me whenever I'm down. Will always be thankful to it esp. for the friends I've made through the years. Until my dearest friends are there, I won't ever tire of going back again and again and again. ☺

In my point of view

I've never realized how much importance I give to education until now. 

I did not attend the best Universities in the whole world, growing up. But to me, they were the perfect institutions that could have possibly honed me. They were the perfect ones to somehow be able to equip me with the real world emotionally and professionally. 

The first time I entered elbi, I instantly felt I was home. Just everything about it is intellectually engaging - from the environment, ambiance and most especially the people.

There were tough times, I know. Times when I felt my body was about to give up. But only because of piled-up requirements - consequences of a sloppy time management. BUT never was I ever tired of studying - of learning. By each requirement I was able to accomplish, with each hour I spent past my bedtime and away from friends, there was never an instance when I thought what I was doing's just plain stupid and unnecessary to give my brain something to keep its juices flowing.

Today, the harsh reality of the education system here in the Philippines slapped me flat on the face with an extra kick on the side.

To earn the units I still lack for MedSchool, I had to enroll for summer classes this month until next. To keep long story short, I happen to enroll at this school because the admission for summer classes on all other Universities that offers the courses I need is already closed (sorry, it never occurred to me that most schools' summer admissions usually runs for 2-3 days only). 

The doubts started creeping in last week while inquiring about the courses. As I was about to pay tuition to register, I asked the admissions' office regarding the schedule of my class on Human Anatomy and Physiology. I was informed over the phone, during the assessment of requirements and up until filling-up the registration form that yes, there will be an Anat&Physio course offered this summer, but I just can't help but wonder why it is not on schedule yet. So, I was told I just have to look for a certain doctor who happens to teach that subject. I went looking for him/her on the whole building, but encountered him/her not. So, I went on the accounting to register the subjects, taking the word of the school officials that there will really be a summer offering of the courses I need. On assessment of fees, I had no other reaction but shock. The miscellaneous and other fees were higher than the actual tuition. Pambihira namang talaga. Hindi ba nila alam na bawal yun? 

And as with all other bad odors, it moves in slowly from the source to where you're situated until you can no longer hide the fact that you're smelling it and you can't stand the stench. 

So, with the only schedule I had, I went yesterday to attend our supposedly first meeting for microbiology. On arrival, the professor's perplexed rants welcomed me. The schedule posted on the offices is different from the one she has. She made me sit in class, regardless. No introductions, no feel-good warm-up discussion of the course outline, or what-have-you, we instantly started with exercise 1 - we had to draw the compound microscope, label it and define each part. That exercise was supposedly just right; but on a first day? Come on!  PLUS, we had tons of assignments which includes the naming of 50 microbiologists and 50 parasitologists and give all their major contributions. Sinasabi ko na nga ba kalokohan to. Ano ako highschool student na bibigyan lang ng assignment for the sake na may mailagay sa column ng 'Assignments'? At sa dinami-dami nang pwedeng ibigay bakit yung isang bagay pa na wala naman akong matututunan? Aanhin ko yan? Aanhin mo din yan? For sure maski ikaw hindi mo rin naman kilala lahat ng nailista ko diyan. But, with all these, I still ended up doing it.

Our first meeting ended with us, students finally getting her name AND a final head count of 6 students (3 for each course - mcb and zoo).

Though tired as I was, I still managed to finish all the assignments she required. I started doing it at 7 in the evening and found myself struggling to finish at about half past 12 midnight. It was that bad looooong.

Then comes the second day...

I guess the worse is yet to come should have been the warning sign at the school gate today. We started discussion (finally!) but still about the microscope. We ran through the different types, parts, uses, terms in relation to it but she seemed to forgot the most important thing that should be taught in any biology-related  class, let alone a laboratory - HOW TO USE IT. No kidding, some were clueless about the parts, can't even explain it through their own words AND don't know the basics on how to handle a microscope. No wonder the microscopes on their laboratory are close to being trash. They do not teach students on its proper handling. I bet the microscopes at IBS and IC in elbi are waaaaay older and yet all of it can still function better than the ones they have. Ever heard of equipping the technical knowledge with the practical one? No? So, I've figured.

And here is today's highlight: we did 4 exercises today! FOUR! F-O-U-R FOU-freaking-R! Any sane person will know that 4 exercises can never be done in one meeting unless one is planning to stay until forever, and not to mention totally unfair.

There are lots of teachers (or professors, for that matter) that equate teaching with slide reading and providing requirements just for the sake of having something tangible to bring home from class. They never read it, believe me. They often just base the grades on how many pages were written at and usually, based on the neatness of the assignment. My professor this summer was of no exemption.

It's just saddening to know that these privately-taught kids are being grounded this way and they don't seem to care at all. I've attended private institutions as well BUT I've never had professors this lazy that it's already sickening. How can one student not mind not getting the learning his/her's money's worth? How can they stand that their parents are working SO hard and yet here they are wasting preciously-earned money in an institution that can't even get them intellectually motivated? And despite all these these students still want to get all the excuse there is to not attend any class. Unbelievable. Totally unacceptable.

My heart is crying for those students who actually care - for those who want to have better options but are just not getting it; the parents who are dreaming of a brighter future ahead - thus leaving everything up to the future generation of their lineage; future employers - for having to deal with unqualified employees partly because of being victims of circumstances and mainly because of their lack of tenacity to learn; and most of all to our country - how can it improve and prosper if the future generation is just slacking off and not building dreams and actually living it?

Then again, I may have been just blessed to be able to attend schools of good caliber, shielding me away from the knowledge of these kinds of practice. For that I have my parents to thank.

Well, so much for Jose Rizal's belief and faith in the Filipino youth
and all its capabilities and prowess. 

Our government should really have a well-grounded education system. Without it, our fight for improvement is just an aimless arrow shot.

Why hello again, Uniform!

Mukhang I'll be within white bounds again soon and by this time
I won't be just wearing it during laboratories.
Better prepare for that.

Been daydreaming too much ayan tuloy I haven't noticed how time was flying. Almost all schools offering Anatomy-Physiology and Genetics/Microbiology already closed their summer admissions - FEU, PCU, SLU. Been calling everywhere this morning while battling all the nervousness and blame down at the back of my head. I should've fixed this long ago.

Gosh. Buti na lang may PCHSI (kahit unknown siya at nabasa ko lang siya sa isang blog. Haha). I just have to rush, though. I have to go there tomorrow to inquire about their admission as classes start on monday. It's official. I'll be a Manila girl once more!

Dirt is Wealth!

It definitely has been a while since I last had the urgency to write, let alone open my blog. I have been awfully busy for the past days. Busy (still) worrying about the result of my exam (I mean seriously, why does the result have to be released only AFTER A MONTH?! Only in the Philippines); planning the next getaway with friends; actually meeting friends; and most importantly, tending to my sick bodeh.

Growing up, I haven't been very sickly. I've never been actually confined at a hospital or a clinic even. But things decided to take a turn come College days. I instantly  found myself getting flus, upper respiratory tract infections, and what-have-you's almost every month. And every time I give Manila a visit, my home welcomes me with a cold or cough, or both. Through the years, my body has learnt not to be immune with dust, smoke and all the dirt there is, which by the way comprises almost 100% of the environment.

When I have little kiddos of my own, I swear I'll expose them to all the dirt there is early on so they won't follow the footsteps of this feeble lass.

P.S. Ash Wednesday pala ngayon? I didn't know until a friend posted something on Facebook. I cannot quite remember when did I start not to care. Or come to think of it, did I really as in genuinely cared at all for this in the first place?

Let me tell you about myself

I am just reacquainting myself with music recently. For the longest time, I have shunned my world of tunes just because I believe I'm too busy to even muster up a song or two. Then the moody episodes started, depression, loneliness, self-doubt and loss of self-control. Somewhere, I just had to stop myself from thinking about all too many things and just concentrate on that one thing that made me so nice and goody-goody before. I had to think for the longest time what has actually been missing in my life that has always relaxed and soothed my every mood. Then it hit me - music. For the whole duration of my college life, I don't think I have  seen it as a necessity to help me bring my A on the game. I've been concentrating so much on requirements that I have failed to recognize that hey, your demeanor and self comes first, it's the most important thing because without it, you'll end up accomplishing nothing. And so I did - accomplished nothing and found myself groping for some guidance just because I barely know myself anymore. I have been breathing and living each day just to finish my degree, accomplish requirements and get good grades. I was the worst kind of zombie there is. I came to and fro school without the slightest eagerness to learn, but just for the sake of getting by it.

I have missed out on a lot of things maybe because I have been busy making good conversations with people, eating out and having fun, or studying lessons, but that isn't a good excuse even. Well, they - my friends, for that matter - do so also but did not miss out on anything. They still find time to listen to music and know the latest buzz of things here and there. As I come to realize awhile ago, I have chosen to forget who I used to be trying my hardest to cope with everything. Well, even coping is an understatement. I have been trying all these years to be best in everything I do that whenever I fail, depression and self-rejection gets into me, thus shrouding myself more to a pit where the gates-man's no other than myself alone.

Lemme give you the perfect example.

I used to like writing poems. I write poems whenever there's time, inspiration, and just whenever I feel like. I like writing poems about love, most especially because there really is an innate romantic in me. I write whenever I'm in love and whenever a cute love story inspires me. I write about love even if I don't feel loved. I write about it because deep down, I can never refuse that belief in love and all it brings. I write about other things as well. I remember my highschool friends asking for poems - my poems. That felt good. It has always felt good knowing that  certain crowd appreciates your work. Then, self doubt started creeping in. I guess it started when I had my Humanities class back in College.

I had this professor that I really look up to. He can give you long lectures about anything without even buckling and losing words. He's too good that all his narrations start to feel memorized, only it really isn't. He's just one of those rare highly intelligent ones that can express everything he wants to say perfectly both in written and verbal ways. So, as we were having this one class late one afternoon, he was discussing about some prose we were asked to read at home, and suddenly, out of nowhere, kind of remembered something that he needs to tell us. That instant was one of those moments I just wish I was absent - skipped classes, went for a walk with the boyfriend, ate street foods with friends, hanged out at our favorite campus spot, or just practically doing anything, anywhere besides being on that class - or better yet, just not listening, texting or whatever so long as I am not able to hear what he was able to say. But then he said it anyway. He blurted it out, stinging every inch of me as if his greatness isn't enough to intimidate every inch of my being and suck the humanity out of me. Well, that's an overstatement, of course. But, yes, I heard him say "A poem is not a poem if it isn't two-dimensional. If you only have one meaning on your poem, then it isn't one... you are not a great poet if you can't at least bring 2 meanings at your poem". And that's the end of my being a poet. That also was the instant I've given up on writing just because writing poems, short stories, essays and feature stories kind of mean the same thing to me. The root of it all comes from one thing - my love for literature. And having someone slap me in the face with those sharp words was enough to suck inspiration out of me the way dementors use to. Then there were only crappy essays for school requirements and researches that followed suit. I lacked the creativity that I used to have. I lacked that belief in literature. I lost the feeling of fulfillment I used to have whenever I finish a work of art. For the nth time in my college life, I have let other people tell me that I am no good and there are a lot of others that are out there - far better than me. 

I have come to realize just now that I didn't just let it get into me because some award-winning, highly-acclaimed professor said so, but it was mostly because of this mentality I used to have - I have always wanted to best everything and everyone. Now, I have come to realize that being best at something isn't fulfillment at all. Being best at something may be a good thing at times, but it isn't equated with fulfillment most of the time. AND, one does not need to be best at EVERYTHING. So long as you are doing things that you love, it's enough, and who know's by practicing your craft, you might end up being the best in the long run, after all. 

So today, I have decided to bring that love of poetry back to life. I'll start writing again. There may be someone better than me at it, but that's not the point. There's just that small part of me that I have to resurrect for it has been submerged in the dark for the longest time. AND, for the past months, I've been downloading and starting to listen to tunes again. It does me good, really. Day by day, I am being in control of my emotions already, instead of it taking control of me. I must say, I am getting good at handling myself already. 

Now I know why a lot of people from other countries need shrinks to get back on life. And those geddem shrinks as Dr. Phil are making bazzillions of money out of it. It sounded absurd to my young self, then, but now I fully realize that we sometimes need an outsider's perspective to deal with our lives. We do sometimes need help because more often than not, we do not know how to handle other people's lives, let alone our own.

This alone time is actually doing me good. It has brought me back to my senses just in time before I lose myself again in the next coming months. Haha

I am,

indeed,

a king,

because I know how

to rule myself.

~Pietro Aretino, 10 May 1537

DISCLAIMER: This post may have got you into thinking that I was an A-student, or that I studied my lessons diligently and have been the most responsible and studious student there is, Haha! I'm sorry but I was none of that. So please don't be blindfolded by it. As in all things in literature, it is fabricated for the greater good. ☺

2010 is for finding myself

As anyone who knows me would know, I just get random thoughts in my head like most of the time. So just this morning, this random thought just popped into my head: No more envious episodes. No more wishing or half-wishing, for that matter, of someone else's life, things, everything. I have got to finally accept who I am (not that I still don't, but, FULLY ACCEPTING something is far different from PARTLY doing so). 


No matter the difference, that little self-rejection can pollute the whole of your being and life, in general. So yes, from this day forth, I am embracing (as in wholly) what life I have been given, what situation I'm at, what skills I am capable of doing. 


I just came to realize that this whole envying just leads me to hating myself and everything that I have when in fact I have a lot, and sometimes more than others. 


Come to think of it, I have been fully blessed and more this past year, most especially. But still, I have been busy wanting things I don't have that I often neglect the wonderful things that I do have. So yes, I am now done hiding under the shadows of my fears and doubts. 


Hello, new world of wonderful options! Hello, 2011!☺


Along with this, I would want to give my hands up to these wonderful ladies who have shown the world how great it is to be one's own self. You have made me believe that other people's perceptions about you are irrelevant so long as you are confident of your own skin. ☺


1. Kendra Wilkinson 

I like her. I just love her. I know a lot of people don't because they've had prejudices against her since she's been a playmate on the girls of the playboy mansion, but, I just can't stop adoring her sense of humor and strength. She's shown the whole world how difficult and yet possible it is to break out of other people's judgments. Plus, I do enjoy watching her reality show. Haha

See, I even like the way she babbles about things. Haha!

2. Anne Curtis

I admit, she has  not been a personal favorite at first, just cause. Well, anyway, she is now, and even has a spot on my post. Well, I admire everything about this girl here. She has shown everyone how she can be good in her craft even if everyone else's had doubts. She used to be this wild party girl (or, that's how she was portrayed by the media), but she was able to come out of that - better and more beautiful. Today, she not only stands as an inspiration to women but to young adults and children as well. Talk about refinement.

3. Felicity

I know that she's just a fictional character, but I can't help but include her. Haha! She has shown everyone that she can do massive things by just believing in herself. She has shown that mistakes are part of one's life and committing them isn't a sin - it's all normal so long as giving up can never be an option. I love her optimism, her belief in life and all it brings. I have come to admire this woman when I was still an elementary student and am still in love with her up til this date. 

I have been meaning to finish this post for almost 3 months now but can't somehow do so. I just feel like it lacks something. Something that I cannot put a word into. Then, I stumbled upon this and figured this will be the best way to end a post as this. The last lady I'd like to give my hands up to is P!nk. She has been an inspiration to a lot of women and has continued to be one in the most unconventional ways. When everyone else's getting thin, I can't believe but admire her when she stood firm and said that she doesn't want to be one and she embraces that she's on the heavier and masculine side. She's the perfect example for self-acceptance and this song of hers couldn't have put it in the best way. 

And here's the second music video that landed on my blog.

Pink's Fuckin' Perfect.

Enjoy! :)

So, for all the young ladies out there, enjoy being you - different, fun and wonderful in all your ways. You may not know it, but someday, some way, you are going to be a breath of hope and inspiration to others by being just you. ☺