Breather

Life hits us in the most unlikely time and places.

I had an epiphany awhile ago. Actually, I've been meaning to have one (as if I can force it out of happening) since last Friday. I kept trying to find answers to questions I've had for the longest time - keys to problems and just all I'm going through right now. I even found myself looking out the buses and jeepney windows I've been riding on the whole time I was on vacation but yes, none came. Until, awhile ago, as I was en route Cavite, everything started to become clear. I don't know why God has chosen to give me those realizations while I was on a public van, trying to stretch the last few minutes of my 'vacay'. But anyhow, I felt as if a big burden was lifted from my chest. I somehow felt renewed and light. I know I'm not making any sense to any of you reading this, but that's just how I feel even up to now.

I feel I can take on anything again.

It's a nice feeling to have my strength back. After the past few weeks, I didn't know I still have it. I was ready to give it all up. Until awhile ago, I realized, that the world is full of possibilities and I still have a lot to offer it despite my failures, shortcomings and tragedies. Amazingly, I was finally able to visualize concrete plans to embark on had my initial plans don't push through. A few weeks to months back, all I see is a dark blur for my future. Imagine the horror it gave the li'l miss planner me.

Thank You Lord for the visions. That's all I really need right now.

I take that back. Well maybe I will also be needing these in the next coming days:
☑ New Hair-do
☑ New blog (yep, you heard that one right. In the next couple of weeks, my followers will get a personal email on my new blog ☺)
☑ More relaxing vacation
☑ More books to read
☑ Healing
☑ Acceptance
☑ New plane to take

All in all, the past couple of days has been wonderful and amazing. Thank you, Bicol. ♥

Taken from the amazing Bulusan Lake. And yes,
the whole while I was there, I can't help
but think of our travel plans.

A prayer for a loyal friend

Dear Lord,

I know it's supposed to be Your week and we are to honor Your memory in every way possible, but please hear me out. I know I should be the one making sacrifices instead of asking You for things but I really hope You could give me this one. She has been in our house for as long as I can remember; she has been the most well-behaved dog we had. She has been matakaw ever since but please don't let this be her punishment. Upon arriving home last weekend I learned that she has been sick and stopped eating. The other day, my brother found lumps on her belly and she can barely walk. Until today, actually, she can barely stand. I can't take the fact that all I can do is look at her suffering. This morning, I took the two other dogs for their daily walk and she didn't even bark. Usually, she'd run at the gate and bark until I return and walk her. Don't get me wrong, she is well-behaved and I love it every time I walk her, but You see, she's the biggest dog we have and I can't walk her alongside the two other naughty dogs. She has always been poised and don't stop for bladder breaks and sniffing. She just enjoys the exercise and being with me. And today, the best she was able to do was stand and walk a few meters from her dog house and wait for our return. What's worse, the lumps on her body oozed pus and blood out of it. She still hasn't eaten much until now. She just drank water the whole day and I can see the labor out of each breath. We have been trying to contact her vet but he seems to be on a vacation. We tried taking her to the nearest pet hospital but it's closed until tomorrow. Please Lord, save this gentle giant of ours. She is more than a pet. She has been family all these years. Please don't let her die without even giving us the opportunity to do something for her. After all her loyalty, service and love, she deserves that and more. This I ask, in Your name, Amen.

2012 is for the adversities: A tell-all - annotated

One will never know his strength unless he is at his weakest.

If I can summarize this year in one word, 'challenges' comes to mind.. I have been made to face endeavors not only on the academic aspect of my life but in my family and relationship as well - which, as anyone of you can guess, comprise the most part of my being. In short, my year has been one emotional turmoil.

It was difficult. But even difficult is an understatement. I have cried tons of tears this past year if that can be a gauge on how hard things became for me.

1st Quarter (January-March)
I remember trying to fight to keep my spot in medschool at the start of the year. Medschool has definitely been the most mentally challenging path I embarked on. Never in my life have I had difficulty in studying to the point where there came a time when it already border-lined depression. Most of the time too, I tend to ponder if this is really for me. Am I really where I'm supposed to be because for the longest time, I just don't feel at home. I have never felt I belonged here, actually. But, as all things in life, this has been my choice and I just have to suck it all up, because difficulty is not enough reason to stop anyone.

I got a grip on myself and was finally able to pass all my subjects. During these times, I realized that one can only go as far as he'll let himself. My own self was my biggest adversity. The main problem? Thinking too much. The main solution? Focusing on the things that needs accomplishing.

2nd Quarter (April-June)

Depression, loneliness, frustration, and long-distance relationship never adds up to a good sum. For the first time in almost 6 years, Sam and I broke up for more than a month. Up until now, I still cannot pinpoint the main reason, but I guess we just both got burned out along with the agony of not being together. I was at fault for that break-up, I confess. Sometimes, when we're too focused on our goals, it is easy to lose ourselves. I let my depression get the whole of me. I changed for the worse and I dragged the relationship along with it. Knowing that it is I who has fault wasn't easy either. I was the one left with all the what-ifs and could-have-beens

Then, summer vacation came. I tried focusing what's left of me and made it into something greater. The time alone helped me focus on myself. I cultivated, nurtured and molded myself into the person I am right now. I first targeted the depression by reading self-help books and reflecting on the areas of my personality I wanted to target. Then, I allowed myself to enjoy household chores and cooking. I rekindled with old friends and started counting blessings instead of frustrations. In short, I had a make-over, so to speak. ☺

3rd Quarter (July - September)
And of course, just as the 3rd quarter started, Sam and I got back together. Haha I knooooow. I told you, it was one helluva chopsuey-like emotional turmoil for me. Haha Along with the start of a new school year, my love life held promise of a tabula rasa. It initially wasn't that smooth as we're still both broken and hurt from all the things said and done, but we were able to somehow get over them and was happy. Although, I never thought that that happiness can only be short-lived.

4th Quarter (October - December)
This I guess had to be one of the most difficult things I had to face this year. My dad has been in and out of the hospital for almost a whole month. For the first time, I have seen him so helpless and just plaintive. It literally broke my heart. The realization of my parents aging started creeping in. Why do we have this tendency to think that the world just stops the way we remember it? I have been too focused on myself that I have forgotten the fact that it is not only I who grows.

Then semestral break came. I have been given the most shocking news I have yet to receive so far. I need an extra year. Until now, I still haven't made up my mind on how to deal with that, but what the hell. I still need to pass my subjects this year before I deal with that demon. Haha

On top of all that, before the year ended, Sam and I broke-up for good. I caught him cheating. I didn't see that one coming, really. It just wasn't him. But, enough of that. We have talked about it just a few days ago and we have settled things between the two of us. It was a sigh of relief, actually. All I really needed was the whole truth. It's difficult to explain as of the moment, but, what is done is done. I still may not have accepted the whole fact as it is, but I'm getting there. And I think that's what's important and what I need most right now. And now I know, what we both need is to heal. And who knows, maybe after all the pain, regret and suffering has ended, true love still prevails. I hope so. I really do. ☺

****
That's basically how my year has been - a complete set of crazy, but important just the same. I still haven't faced and dealt with a lot of the things here but this 2013, I'm hoping for breakthroughs and solutions. I am a strong believer that these things were given for my growth as a person. Cheers to better and bigger things! HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! ♥ ☺ ♫ ♪


P.S. I basically edited the contents of this entry as I have been so sabaw while doing this, the timeline's just so confusing, hence the mix-up of dates. I have actually been itching to edit this a week after I wrote it but I haven't had the time (not that I have all the time now). K, I'm mumbling all to myself again. Ciao for now!
-edz (3/18/13)

Some days are just really bad

Yesterday started with the most disturbing news my medical career has yet to slap me in the face with. I won't be bothering you with the details for now because I still don't know if I still get a chance to improve it whatsoever, but let me start this post by saying I fervently hope so. :(

It's a wake-up call, really. I have been neglecting a lot of things this past months that I tend to be lax and slack about things. For some reason, my 'letting-go-of-negative-things' border lined being apathetic of things. It sucks, really. I feel so horrible, to say the least. I feel so f*cking ingrate to my parents, most esp. And above all, I feel a pang of guilt. Dumbass move. Stupid. Careless.

Oh well. What's done is done. I can never turn back time, I just have to learn from it. I was not a born fighter, but I was molded into one and yes, I'm not letting go of this just yet - not without a fight, anyway.

Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. My fate and succeeding steps will be determined by tomorrow meeting's outcome. I just do hope everything turns out the way I hope it to be. Oh gosh. I'll do everything to get it all back. But I couldn't and now, I just have to live with it.

Vague, I know but please bear with me. It's really shameful to blurt out this recent misfortune. That's all for now, folks. I do hope you're all having a better time. I sincerely do. ☺







P.S. Yesterday too, my father has been in and out of the hospital. Well, for the past couple of days, actually. It'll mean so much if you can say a prayer for him, you know; or include him in yours. That'll be really nice and will mean so much to me. And for that, I thank you all in advance

You will be forever missed and loved, Lolo Tatay

I've always had a hard time saying goodbyes. I'm as clingy as can be. My mind is fixated on this childhood fantasy that everything  everyone will stay for as long as I want them to be - for as long as I can hold on to them.

Writing this doesn't even  make it easier. I don't know what to say without fighting back tears. Just this morning I found out that my grandfather died. Our house help told me so before I was about to start eating and as you may have guessed, eating didn't come off as easy, either.

I'm planning on making a more decent post about this in the next coming days when I'm more myself already. This is actually my first time to face death head-on. When I was younger, I used to run away from it as long as I can. It was traumatic in a way. Hopefully, this time I'd be able to mourn well and honor our loving and great grandfather's memory the best way I can.

P.S. This just makes it far more worse. Here we are, about to celebrate the latest feat my brother has accomplished with heavy hearts and burdensome pain at the expense of a loss of a great one . Life's little ironies.

This day is for my dad :)

Without further adieu, I would like to congratulate my dad! Hurrah! Good job, daddy-yo. You did well on your interview this morning. :) And for that I give you this:

You deserve more than just this girl's "Congrats" :)

This morning, I was surprised to see my father in our living room, enjoying the day's paper in hand. Not that he isn't allowed to stay in that part of the house, but, 'it's 10am, shouldn't he be at work by now?' were my first thoughts.  So, I just shrugged it off, I thought that he might just not be feeling well and decided not to go to work. 

The day continued for me with my usual morning rituals - hygiene, breakfast and all sorts of things I usually attend to in the morning. The day proved to be pretty normal until my dad instructed me to watch TV in the bedroom instead because he is "waiting for a call". Being an obedient daughter (Haha!) as I am, I followed his orders and, about half an hour later, he rushed into my room with a beam in his face. My initial reaction? Brows raised, what else? Haha! Who would have thought that the particular call he was waiting for was of an organization he applied for. 

About a week ago,my dad decided that it's about time he gives more of his self to others, so he applied for this international volunteer corps. This morning was his preliminary interview and the good part, you ask? HE PASSED! :)) He will have a chance to teach farmers in Africa, Botswana, and other places on farming. :) I'm just so proud of him! It was just his initial interview, though, he will still undergo further interrogation (just for exaggeration. haha! ) to completely prove he is right for the job. :)

Whether you make or not, I'm truly proud of you, pops! :)

I guess helping runs in our family, then, huh? :)