TABULA RASA: Toughen up little soldier, toughen up

 Often in our lives do we find ourselves unexpectedly falling in a pit that seem to be endless, scary, dark and achluophobic. Oftentimes too, do we grope and fumble in search of that "light" that we only make up in our heads; or, make ourselves believe in false hopes that lead us to making up our own versions of reality which in truth is definitely far from one. And often do we try to make ourselves feel better by just shrugging everything off, thinking that it is the best possible way we can do to cope.

Yes, pits can give us that sense of affright we don't expect to get when we're traveling our way in this thing called life. It may well be scary, but isn't that the thrill to it? What's the use of having to live a life where one already knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the future?

I had someone remind me recently that life goes on that way - it never gives us exactly what we want. Sure, sometimes it does, but not all the time. You just have to make do of anything and everything that you currently have.

A few months, weeks, days ago, I had a different thought on what I'd write under this same title. That time, I thought it'll symbolize the new life I'd be facing as I fulfill my life-long dream. I was wrong. Life flatly shouted, "Not for you, dear! Another time, another day!". Well, for that, someone out to teach Life on how to be polite and subtle.

Oh well, 'another time, another day,' it is, then. I'm done crying about it. Well, it did do me good for a couple of days, mind you. But after some time, I tired of it - making myself sad. There's no one in this world capable of bringing and making your self feel pain than yourself. So, I eventually realized that crying may seem to help emotionally and mentally, but it won't help in actually solving the problem. And whoala, here I am, trying my best to slowly face it head-on.

I am not a believer that our lives are already crafted out for us. For all I know, we all are makers of our own destiny and that so-called destiny is the end of our own means. And so for that destiny of mine, this is just another bump on the road - one of the pivoting forces I may be able to use someday to plummet my way to reach what seem to be unreachable as of now. I know one day, I'll look back, and think that I truly needed this whole time and experience to be where I've always wanted to be.

These may all seem to be pretty amazing and ideal. But honestly, I don't believe all of these yet. The important thing is, at least I'm already getting there. Acceptance is such an aversive little thing. For now, I'd like to think of this as a new passageway. A clear passageway instead of a dark, scary one. A new clean slate instead of a cleaned slate. And deep down, I know, I'm already getting excited of all the things I can put in it to finish my collage at the end of this all.

I have chosen to just laugh about it

For today, I:

• *drew three men. Two of which involves drawing their whole abdominal and guts area just so I can portray the quadrants and regions of the body AND the the last one being the luckiest who gets to have all his insides and other parts complete (yes, ALL intricate parts one can think of);
• *drew the cell and its parts (which by the way is a 4th for me in the span of 4 meetings);
• *drew the phases of mitosis (the last time being on my second year in high school);
• *started reading one of the 4 chapters that wasn't discussed at all but we're gonna have an exam on;
• *burst of all the things that got me into the conclusion that for the last 2 weeks that I've been attending classes, I AM STILL NOT LEARNING ANYTHING.

I also:

• *reminisced at the discussion we last had during my human anatomy and physiology class (fondest memories will have to be: my prof saying that The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottom is a true to life story; and our National bird is an Eating-Monkey Eagle);
• *recalled our last mcb lab: which includes having to sit-in for an examination with a different section OF A DIFFERENT SUBJECT (what the hell, right?!); my prof forgetting about the exam; her forgetting about everything that lapses in an hour; AND having to sit-in for another laboratory class with a different subject, specifically zoology and end up having to do MORE than the zoo kids;
• *ranted with the boyfriend of all the things that has happened with me on that school since I went in.

On one side, it is indeed very irritating and painful in the head. WHAT IS THIS PLACE?! But at the end of the day, one need not be affected with all these things, or at least try to be. Rant it all out ONCE, and then forget about it. I guess that'll be the best way to handle it. By this time, I have indeed accepted the fact that expectations - my expectations - were not met at the very least, even. 

Oh well, that's life. You get lemons, squeeze them and get some mungbean in return instead of a lemonade. Surprise, surprise! 

O, BILI BILI NA! HOPIA MUNGGO, HOPIA MUNGGO! 

NMAT-whut?

I can't quite remember what my day was like yesterday. All I remember was, I got surrounded by geeky awkward boys trying to be cool by showing off their wheels (which by the way does not reduce the fact that they are total losers), screaming girls, and all sorts of people with confidence way bigger than their heads - or bodies. 
Getting irritated this much with youngsters comes with aging? Well yes, maybe I am getting old. Haha Hindi ko na nga ata napansing nag-exam pala ako. Haha 

It started with one thing, which led me to another thing that ended with a whole different thing

My day started unusually - or rather, just not the usual just because I'm actually doing something productive today. My friend and I have finally decided that it is time to make a jobstreet account to finally find somewhere to apply to if not to land us work. So, the constant clicking and searching and reading, led us to bestjobs and we before we knew it, we were browsing through interesting jobs that we can finally call ours.


And then it hit me. I suddenly thought of med school and browsed on CEM's site instead. I was initially excited to learn that the NMAT will be held this Dec.12th already because at last, my initial step to med school's nearing fulfillment. Showers of thoughts and dreams transpired through me - after long years of waiting, my childhood dream's almost within a hand's reach. At last, I'll be within the comforts of studying again. But, like all other daydreams, it was puffed into thin air the way a child blows his birthday candles away. All the fears and doubts started creeping in. My hopeful heart began to sink and my confidence and morale were gone amiss before I even had time to grab them. I now fully realize and admit that I am in fear of the days to come. I am scared of Med School and all about it.


For the longest time I was quite sure of what I wanted with life - with my life, that is. I have constantly painted and repainted what I wanted for my future and what career to pursue. I have always wanted to be a doctor. I have always been quite sure that I will enter med school and in 6 years' time will finally be of service to my fellowmen. But why am I shuddering about the thought now? Why do I feel like I am about to run from everything any minute I am obliged to face it? It is quite queer, I know. And even as I write this entry, I still feel every doubt scarring the whole of me. I feel so incompetent and unready. I don't feel fit to enter that vast world. I am fearing the next few steps and the life I'd be faced with once I get there. 


I just feel that I will no longer be able to pursue all my plans. I have wanted to work while studying, to support myself, but after reading all blogs about med, of it being too difficult to handle, I started having second thoughts about myself too. What if I'm really not fitting for this kind of world? And then there's also the thought of "What will I do then, if I don't pursue medicine?". Having noticed that there are little job offers in my profession, I started to get scared of failure and the future, per se. And these little evil thoughts gave birth to another and another, and another until I can contain it no more. 
*sigh.
I guess there is nothing easy on this world. Not one thing can be achieved in a snap. I have to work my way through to get the life I have been dreaming of for me, my family and my future family. There is no time to get scared of all the responsibilities and hardships. After all, I've been facing quite a few and have came out better all the time. So maybe I just need to get a grip of myself and focus on my dreams. It is but stupid to throw away everything because of small, baseless fears. I have to try things first. And, if I'm really not for that kind of stuff, then that's the only time I have to rethink and invite other plans. That's the only time to change. For now, I have to re-focus and take things slowly, one at a time.

Every once in a while, it's nice to spill to the world
the thoughts I usually keep for myself.

Now that's enough for my thinking aloud.