It started with one thing, which led me to another thing that ended with a whole different thing

My day started unusually - or rather, just not the usual just because I'm actually doing something productive today. My friend and I have finally decided that it is time to make a jobstreet account to finally find somewhere to apply to if not to land us work. So, the constant clicking and searching and reading, led us to bestjobs and we before we knew it, we were browsing through interesting jobs that we can finally call ours.


And then it hit me. I suddenly thought of med school and browsed on CEM's site instead. I was initially excited to learn that the NMAT will be held this Dec.12th already because at last, my initial step to med school's nearing fulfillment. Showers of thoughts and dreams transpired through me - after long years of waiting, my childhood dream's almost within a hand's reach. At last, I'll be within the comforts of studying again. But, like all other daydreams, it was puffed into thin air the way a child blows his birthday candles away. All the fears and doubts started creeping in. My hopeful heart began to sink and my confidence and morale were gone amiss before I even had time to grab them. I now fully realize and admit that I am in fear of the days to come. I am scared of Med School and all about it.


For the longest time I was quite sure of what I wanted with life - with my life, that is. I have constantly painted and repainted what I wanted for my future and what career to pursue. I have always wanted to be a doctor. I have always been quite sure that I will enter med school and in 6 years' time will finally be of service to my fellowmen. But why am I shuddering about the thought now? Why do I feel like I am about to run from everything any minute I am obliged to face it? It is quite queer, I know. And even as I write this entry, I still feel every doubt scarring the whole of me. I feel so incompetent and unready. I don't feel fit to enter that vast world. I am fearing the next few steps and the life I'd be faced with once I get there. 


I just feel that I will no longer be able to pursue all my plans. I have wanted to work while studying, to support myself, but after reading all blogs about med, of it being too difficult to handle, I started having second thoughts about myself too. What if I'm really not fitting for this kind of world? And then there's also the thought of "What will I do then, if I don't pursue medicine?". Having noticed that there are little job offers in my profession, I started to get scared of failure and the future, per se. And these little evil thoughts gave birth to another and another, and another until I can contain it no more. 
*sigh.
I guess there is nothing easy on this world. Not one thing can be achieved in a snap. I have to work my way through to get the life I have been dreaming of for me, my family and my future family. There is no time to get scared of all the responsibilities and hardships. After all, I've been facing quite a few and have came out better all the time. So maybe I just need to get a grip of myself and focus on my dreams. It is but stupid to throw away everything because of small, baseless fears. I have to try things first. And, if I'm really not for that kind of stuff, then that's the only time I have to rethink and invite other plans. That's the only time to change. For now, I have to re-focus and take things slowly, one at a time.

Every once in a while, it's nice to spill to the world
the thoughts I usually keep for myself.

Now that's enough for my thinking aloud.