T*angina I'm gonna die

T*ngina I'm really really gonna die and burn in hell and get resurrected then burn again directly to hell.

I feel like cursing myself this whole day for what I think is a lifetime-worth of stupidity. Hahaha O.A. I know, but stillllllll. Hindi talaga ako makampante and I just know I have to blurt all these out right this moment kundi I'll blurt it out at anyone on the street. Hahahaha Okay, double O.A.

Pero kasi....

I went to school today. I was so excited because this was technically my first day of school. I thought my class was Surgery. Then, upon arrival, it was Psychiatry. So, I waited for the professor but none came until the end of the first period. Then another professor came, I went out because I thought it was for another subject but I swear, I kind of heard her ask if it was a second year class, "MED". Then, I went home but I still cannot put aside my professor. I was so certain I heard the word Med. So, I checked my schedule. And whoala, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THAT CLAAAAAAAAAAAASS. Whyyyyyyyyyyy?! Oh my goodness. So much for wanting to have a clean start this school year!!! My goooooooooosh. I feel so terrible. And even that can't describe what I'm actually feeling.

Oh gosh, I know I can't do anything about it as of the moment, but still, new school, new environment, new life, new me, and so far, I have accomplished nothing. As in zero, nada!

Lesson for the day:

1.) CHECK YOUR GODDAMN SCHEDULE THE DAY BEFORE. AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE CORRECT DATE. WEDNESDAY IS DIFFERENT FROM THURSDAY.

2.) THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING. You should've really asked that seatmate of yours awhile ago. Damn it.

3.) Condition yourself. Vacation's over. You are a medical student. ALWAYS KEEP THAT IN MIND.

I know I don't have the right to make requests, but please Lord, I hope next week will be better. I need all the comfort and head-start that I can get.

Too lost for a title

The gravity of the situation's just starting to sink in. How could I have let this happen? I have allowed myself to be so down and depressed to the point where I have taken away my own future. Never have I been this uncertain in my life before. If worse comes to worst, do hear that I WILL BECOME A DOCTOR - NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

Coping Mechanism

Because MedSchool can be tough at times, we find ways to keep our sanity and release all the pressure and frustrations. :)

Isang araw, sa Cobo...

Bored during review

Paliitan ng mukha tactics#1

Meet Steph, the Burlesque queen..

Mi lovies. Thanks for always looking out for me <3

HULI! Natutulog during Pharma Classsssssszzzzz.

Fave game as of the moment. <3

Natuwa sa first time na free wifi sa AVR

Aral-aralan at McDo with Vivi, Yen and Kath

Milk tea craze with Melvin and Steph

And this my friends might be the most sensible poem ever. Hahaha (c) Kath Dellosa

My fave person as of the moment.Mehehe :3

Isang araw, nag-crave kami ng Chocolate Cake. <3

Paras Lect with Doc N :)

Milk tea date with half of the Babaysots. (Yes, namamaga pa diyan ang fez ko because of the surgery)

More crazy moments to come! <3

... So there you go - some of my wonderful moments this month because I need to stock up on happy thoughts. Shooo, depression! I have been blessed with more than enough awesomeness courtesy of my friends. :) <3

Vignette

Nothing can be sweeter than sweets, itself

It's nice to indulge esp when in the bad you 

no longer want to dwell

    

For in life at times we forget who we used to be

from thinking too much on who we're supposed to be. 

Nocciola Gateau 

Caramella Premia

Pistaccio Cioccolato

Pause. Take a moment, breathe in, and you'll see,

It's easier to live when in doubts your mind is free. ☺

Caramia, Robinson's Malate.

Satisfied customers, we are.

P.S. Thank you Lord for a great day. Thank you for the grade in Surgery and all the blessings that you bestowed upon me. Today, you have made me realize even more that not a single misfortune defines a person.

Some days are just really bad

Yesterday started with the most disturbing news my medical career has yet to slap me in the face with. I won't be bothering you with the details for now because I still don't know if I still get a chance to improve it whatsoever, but let me start this post by saying I fervently hope so. :(

It's a wake-up call, really. I have been neglecting a lot of things this past months that I tend to be lax and slack about things. For some reason, my 'letting-go-of-negative-things' border lined being apathetic of things. It sucks, really. I feel so horrible, to say the least. I feel so f*cking ingrate to my parents, most esp. And above all, I feel a pang of guilt. Dumbass move. Stupid. Careless.

Oh well. What's done is done. I can never turn back time, I just have to learn from it. I was not a born fighter, but I was molded into one and yes, I'm not letting go of this just yet - not without a fight, anyway.

Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. My fate and succeeding steps will be determined by tomorrow meeting's outcome. I just do hope everything turns out the way I hope it to be. Oh gosh. I'll do everything to get it all back. But I couldn't and now, I just have to live with it.

Vague, I know but please bear with me. It's really shameful to blurt out this recent misfortune. That's all for now, folks. I do hope you're all having a better time. I sincerely do. ☺







P.S. Yesterday too, my father has been in and out of the hospital. Well, for the past couple of days, actually. It'll mean so much if you can say a prayer for him, you know; or include him in yours. That'll be really nice and will mean so much to me. And for that, I thank you all in advance

This July: Don't you worry...♥

...because even if life offers problems difficult to handle than it seem;
...because even if sometimes we rarely find time to be at peace even with our own selves;
...because even if we encounter people highly different from ourselves;
...because even if stressors in life are everywhere;
...because even if delegated tasks are more than what your two hands can bear;
...because even if we don't get to have everything in life;
...because even if we don't get to be always with the people we love;
...because even if we don't always get what we want;
...because even if it's too difficult to be thankful and grateful for blessings;
...because even if life places you in roads where optimism is too difficult to find;
...because even if we often fail;
...because even if others look down on us;
...because even if frustrations get the best of us;
...and because even if no one understands exactly the difficult shit we're at...

...as Bob Marley puts it, "every little thing's gonna be alright"

...and because you're the only one with the capability to actually ruin or make your day. ♥

Yey! Finally!

I haz a new printer!:))) I'm so happyyyyyyy! No more photocopies, overpriced printing, and expensive books!!!

Amazingly cheap and highly functional

Le printer in action

Don't you just love the colors? :))

Please excuse the crappy photos as that's the best thing my camera phone is able to supply. Finally, I have something I truly need. I'm getting more and more excited for you, 2nd year!:))

"P*ta, Puppy, puppy ka pa diyan!"

Today, I had my first ever Internal medicine class and my professor was hilarious! When I entered PLM, I was exposed to stiff, scary and rigid (or maybe my younger self was just overwhelmed) doctors that I never thought quirky and fun ones are out of the question - today, I was proven wrong. Thought for the most part, I was nervous of being called for recitation, I was more amused than so, I guess. I've never heard professors cuss in medicine until today and it feels great. It makes me feel like I'm back in UP where education is not so structured and freedom of expression is highly encouraged. It's the 4th day of classes today and somehow, I feel at home. ♥

*********

It's quite unconventional to be together and not at the same time. Confusing, I know, but I guess that's what sets this thing apart - we have been idiosyncratic from the start and we're not afraid to take on things others have never even considered.

Failures and first days

Today was our first day of classes. New school year, challenges, adversities, learning, and all the stuff schooling brings. It's quite exciting and baffling at the same time. I still can't believe I'm on my 2nd year now. Time flies swiftly and difficultly in medschool. I don't know what to make out and expect of this school year, but I must say I am definitely more prepared than I was last year. To start with, I already have a dormitory so I wouldn't have to commute to and fro school each and everyday (as I have during the first few weeks last year).Secondly, I came to class with a fairly sized notebook with ample amount of leaves (as my last year's was a little too tiny for a subject's one year classes). And most importantly, I am not that scared anymore.

For today, our professor gave us a lengthy but (generally) inspiring lesson: EMBRACE FAILURES. For most people, if not all, failure is such a scary bitch. We dodge it when we see it approaching, hide it when we get it, and we always aspire to be what we think of as perfection. We always fail to recognize that success is not the loss of mistakes - it's quite the opposite. As cliche as it may sound, a great football player isn't made until he learns how to stumble and fall.

I am one of those people. I have always aspired to become the best without having to show my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have always neglected and hidden them, thinking that if I keep on doing so, they will all just cease to exist and I'll be as perfect as I can be. Of course, it didn't help. If it hadn't been for the pressure that med brings, I wouldn't give in. It is never embarrassing to admit one's limitations and capabilities, after all.

So now, I welcome all the adversities, hardships and challenges this school year brings. I now know that it is okay to accept that one is having difficulty - no road to success is easy. So bring it on! I may not be able to handle it all magnificently, it's okay. As long as I learn, I'm already quite happy with that. I may not always be strong, but that's okay; others will provide what I lack in me. Optimism may not be always the road easiest to take, but this year, I'll try. As long as life is worth living, everything is worth trying. ♥

New plane

So it's the 2nd week of the semestral break and I'm having a blast at making the most out of it. I have learned a lot of things for the past months. I learned a lot not only about academic stuff but myself as well - study habits, what works best for me, and a lot more. I never thought I can actually enjoy medschool. 

First off, I have been depressed for some time now. Though I haven't gotten over it fully, I think I'm better and more functional. I just had a lot of things in mind for the past days and it was just too much to handle given that I don't have that much friends in le Manille and I have been spending too much time alone. I've never had that in my life. There were always friends. I am no extrovert for no reason. So before the semester ended, I had this self-reflection and talked to myself a lot and reflected A LOT to finally figure things out. And finally, it worked. I finally got myself on track again. Somehow, on track again. Not yet perfectly in line, but it's a good thing I'm somehow having a grip on things again. ☺

Speaking of friends, not that I don't have any, it's just that, my social life didn't end in school hours then. In fact, for all of my college years and more, my social life just starts after class hours. So, it was definitely a difficult adjustment - a painful one. For the past 3 months, I have been eating breakfast and dinners A-L-O-N-E. Whenever I feel down or bad about something, I have to deal with it A-L-O-N-E. After classes, I go straight home (a.k.a dorm), put my shoes in the rack, open the door, smile at my roomate and our communication for the day ends. How sucky is that?! So anyway, I'm still trying to get past that part. And living with it - trying. 

I'm just glad I have some support crowd around me. A different set from what I'm used to but definitely one of the reasons I'm still fighting and going to classes everyday. I'm more than thankful  I have Steph, Melvin, Jeanne and Justin. Med School is more wonderful with them. So yes, maybe I am ready to grow and traverse this new pavement. It used to be 'unknown' but now I can claim it as a 'new plane'. 

We find the most brilliant of people in the most unexpected time of our lives.

Teng-...

Oh well. Talo ko pa ang broken-hearted. Buti sana kung busted ako, hiniwalayan ng boypren, inaway ng mga kaibigan, wala nang kaibigan, itinakwil ng mga magulang, tipong condemned by society na talaga ang drama; pero hindi. Ni isa walang nangyari sa'kin diyan. Buti sana kung choose the best answer diyan at all of the above pero hindi pa rin. Hindi yun yon.

Ang kaso kasi, nag-aral ako. Nag-aral akong mabuti. Halos iyon na lang ang subject ko. Hindi ko na talaga pinapakelaman pa ang iba pero ano nangyari? Wala pa rin. Bagsak. Hindi lang bagsak, lagapak. P@*$(*&#! Feeling ko ako ang pinakamababa. Kahit na feeling lang yun at wala naman talagang basehan kundi ang pagpapalungkot lalo sa sarili, eh hindi pa rin maganda sa pakiramdam. Hindi pa rin magandang may "feeling" kang ganun kahit feeling lang talaga yun. Ang saklap. Gusto kong maiyak kanina. Ganun ba ako kabobo? P*@&#&^@&$! Hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko talaga inexpect sa totoo lang. Ayun, yun siguro yun. Sa lahat naman ng bagay, mapa-relasyon man o hindi, ang pinakamahirap sa lahat ay yung pinapaasa at umaasa. Shemay. Ang sakit sa heart and soul. Kumikirot eh. Buti sana kung emotions ko lang. tagos pati sa ego ko.

Hindi pwede to. Hindi maaari. Kulang pa. Ibig sabihin kahit feeling ko naguumapaw na, kulang pa rin. Tinimbang ka ngunit kulang. Ganun. Feeling mo magaling ka pero hindi pala. Shit. Babawi ako. PROMISE TO GOD AND MY COUNTRY. Punyemas.

One hell week down!

It's been one of a looooong week. This time last week, I honestly wasn't so sure if I'd be able to check everything on my 'to-do list'. It was that overwhelmingly busy. But here I am today, wasting half of my Saturday as if I keep time as a pet. Haha


Anyway, since it was the very first hell week for this school year, I really wanted to somehow immortalize the week that was. Sooooo, here goes.


It was heartbreaking, annoying, irritating, tiring, saturating, mind-contorting week, but all in all I learned A LOT. 


LESSONS FOR THE WEEK:


BIOCHEMISTRY: It's not enough to learn, understand and know by heart the concepts of the topics included in the exam.  READ HARPER'S BIOCHEMISTRY book. 

This I swear was the most heart-breaking of all. 

I really studied and prepared for this exam

but did not do well on it just because I did not read the said book. 

I  noticed almost verbatim

from it. KAINIS. The most difficult part to accept is, 

I might fail this subject's first long quiz. Sheesh.

GROSS ANATOMY: Erasures are allowed on the practical exam. HAHA This is what students who don't pay attention get. 

I would have aced it had it not  been for 

a stupid and careless mistake.

Next time, listen to EVERYTHING the prof says, 

no matter how sleepy you are! Haha 

I personally think that this has been the highlight of the week. 

The exam was easy and all of us were smiling afterwards.:)

NEUROANATOMY: Read in advance. Read previous lectures.

I take all the blame if I get a low score on this exam. 

I honestly did not prepare for it.

It was a stupid move I know; 

to think that the exam was easy! 

Sayang lang. Since I did not study, 

I didn't know where to get the answers. HAHA

Oh well, next time, Neuroana shouldn't be  taken for granted. 

I have to make-up for the next one. :)

PHYSIOLOGY: Nothing beats preparation!

It was a difficult exam in the sense that 

you really have to analyze EVERYTHING.

It was a synthesis of all the topics discussed 

and questions don't just dwell on one particular topic.  

Though I know I won't score that too well, 

I was happy with it. It was an intelligently-made exam.

I appreciate the hard-work the professors have put on it. :)

So, that says it all. It'll be better next time, I promise. I'm just happy that somehow I'm already coping. MedSchool isn't just another step, a new mileage in the game; it's a whole new lifestyle. :)

All's well that ends so-so well

Life has a funny way in giving us what we want. It has its own timing and twists to get the story more interesting. You know a funnier thing? Talking about life as if it's whole other person just around the corner. Haha sorry. I just don't know the proper term to coin it since I don't want to sound preachy, tackling about God; or dreamy by talking about destiny. So yes, let's talk about life. After all, it's what this blog's about.

Going back, yes, life is indeed at times funny, always unpredictable and sometimes cruel. Just a few weeks back, I was crying my eyes out, self-analyzing and crushed. Honestly, it was such a huge blow to have a rejection that massive. It was a first for me. Though I haven't recovered fully from that one yet, here I am, trying to suck all there is left to try and hold my head up high (but not too high to forget the ground I'm stepping at).

Maybe this is life's way of teaching me to be patient and maintain my cool whatever situation I find myself at. It's a tough one to learn, I know, but at least in the end, Life and I both got what we want from each other (or I did, at least. Haha).

Try to read between the lines.

P.S. This song completes my morning ritual every single day. It just uplifts my spirit every time I hear it. I just don't know how it's related with this post, indirectly, maybe? HAHA

P.P.S. Which reminds me, I should be reading Guyton right now. Ta-tah!

Why hello again, Uniform!

Mukhang I'll be within white bounds again soon and by this time
I won't be just wearing it during laboratories.
Better prepare for that.

Been daydreaming too much ayan tuloy I haven't noticed how time was flying. Almost all schools offering Anatomy-Physiology and Genetics/Microbiology already closed their summer admissions - FEU, PCU, SLU. Been calling everywhere this morning while battling all the nervousness and blame down at the back of my head. I should've fixed this long ago.

Gosh. Buti na lang may PCHSI (kahit unknown siya at nabasa ko lang siya sa isang blog. Haha). I just have to rush, though. I have to go there tomorrow to inquire about their admission as classes start on monday. It's official. I'll be a Manila girl once more!

Perplexed

I was the second one to be interviewed and realized upon opening the office door on exit, that I was the last one to leave as well. Now I can't help but batter my brains inside out while trying to think if it's a good thing or a bad one.

Did my answers sound fabricated? Do I look like someone who is not determined to enter Med School? Is there something wrong with wanting to help? Is it really superficial for people nowadays to actually genuinely serve his/her countrymen especially the needy ones? What is wrong with being contented with fulfillment? Is there not one other person aside from me that does not consider (even to the slightest atomic sublevel) money as gauge of self-worth and career advancement? Do I look like someone who'll work only for money?

If I wear dresses and is a girly type of lass, that doesn't reduce the fact that I can also be your adventurous, cowboy-type. If you haven't been on slums, that doesn't mean I haven't been to as well. I guess experience-wise in terms of community service, I have more than you. I have been to squatters' areas, slums, helped Mangyans, homeless people, children and adults alike, and have not once thought of asking for money for my services. I don't see anything wrong with public service and I will stand firm on all the things I said until eternity. People have different opinions, and are all entitled to one. I respect whatever you believe at, you may have seen the business head-on for more years than I have, but that doesn't mean that there are no people like me - people who are ready to offer this country the service it has long been thirsting for. Then there's another thing we can't be on the same page for - you see it as a business, I see it as a venue for social change.

I have to say, the most difficult part of an interview will have to be the commute back home. 

If only I knew this song that Monday afternoon, or before it, I would have sung my lungs out in front of my interviewer just so I can have a rebut when she said:

"Hindi pa ako convinced sa mga sagot mo" (I am not yet convinced with your answers);

and whenever she made faces and raised her eyebrows with matching "Sigurado kaaaaaa?!" (Are you sure?!) whenever I talk about public service and all the things I stand ground for. 

Please, wag mo akong itulad sa'yo.

NOTHING BUT GRATITUDE

This is from PLM-College of Medicine, 

Please be informed that you are

scheduled for an interview on

MARCH 14, 2011 at 1PM,

regarding to your application for MCAT.

Please reply to confirm you received 

the text and signify your attention to

come by giving your name. 

Thank you.

That explains all the ecstasy and gaiety I'm feeling right now. UNBELIEVABLE. Thank you God and everyone there is to thank. My heart still keeps skipping a beat every time I think of it. Med School, here I coooooooome! ☺

I'll soon be back at the comforts of school and study. ♥

Remember, remember the 12th of December :D

My NMAT result online. Results were blurred for the convenience of the reader.
I do not want to come off as the biggest boaster. :D

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yes, this is another blog entry that I believe needs to be started off with a shriek. :D


Remember last Dec. 12, 2010, I took the NMAT or National Medical Admission Test? And if you do, you might as well remember also that I had a hard time on the exam not because I'm boplax (street term for dumb in Tagalog) or something, but, I believe that if I had taken that exam a few years back (as in 4-5 years back), I know I would've aced it simply because the questions asked were from high school years. Any incoming freshman college or 3rd year highschooler wouldn't have a hard time in it. And since, I'm a year away from undergraduate studies already, yes, I did had a difficult time.


I actually remember answering the first half of the exam easy-breezily. It was a whole day exam, so I guess the easier parts were placed on the morning to give the examinees enough confidence that they are doing well - and uhm, intelligent. Well, that's what happened to me, at least. During lunch break, I remember laughing with my sis (orgmate) about the exam and we were kind of predicting how the afternoon exams will turn out for us. We were both laughing it off because we were not able to fully prepare for it. And we already knew that somehow, the questions will be super basic as in highschool basic, as in something-you-already-forgot-basic. And whoala! Upon receiving the test booklets, we were both right. The questions were indeed basics of basics.


Deep-down-in-my-bones-honest, I really had a hard time with that exam. I was merely browsing one question to another and not even thinking most of the time. Because, I really cannot remember most of the questions there, let alone, answers. I even finished an hour and a half early and was wishing the whole time to be just done with the whole of it so I can drag my butt home and just wait for the results 10 days after. In my mind, I was already bargaining for just a 60% result. Because you see, it isn't computed that easy - results are in Percentile (can't quite grasp what a Percentile is? Just please browse through your Stat lectures, it is difficult to explain). But in my heart I knew that I'll be getting 45%  or lower because of all the stated reasons and I can just count in one hand's fingers my sure answers per test area. So yes, I was kind of glum that day. And got glummer when I went out of the testing room - kids were everywhere and thrilled about the exam. Imagine, there was me, who barely thought through the whole thing and there were lots of 'em, talking about their answers, sharing formulas, and what-have-you's about the exam. Thus, my irritation was magnified 10 times, resulting to my sole blog post for that day. I went home thinking, Medicine School is really not for me.


And then this day came! Checking the exam results did not occur to me if Sam hasn't asked me about it. The examiner told us that results will be available online on the 24th so I was not really expecting it today at all. And tadaaaaaaaaaah! I was surprised with it. Words can't just express how happy I am today. Merry Christmas to me indeed! :D


This might come off as bragging or boasting, or any sort of that kind, but honestly, this really isn't. This is just a sheer manifestation of my utter glee and joy upon seeing the results. So please, just bear with me. ☺

Age is catching up with me

I don't know how, and when, but I seriously would want to study abroad someday (and I'm perfectly sure now's the time for that day I used to refer to only as "someday"). I want to explore other cultures and at the same time broaden my knowledge in another land. This has been a long frustration I need to put an end soon. I really need to make this dream a reality - fast. I cannot reiterate the urgency of this one - although learning does not know any fiscal number - just because I feel like I'm running out of time. The world is out there ready to be discovered and I'm letting myself get stuck in here for no apparent reason than laziness. Seriously, this has got to end. 

This looks like I'm in an Italian restaurant - and that wouldn't be bad if
 I happen to be really in an in Italian shop one day.

I have never wanted so bad my entire life (count not all my other material wants). This has been a big dream of mine for the longest time - alongside MedSchool. Yes, I actually did dreamed of studying Medicine abroad. But that doesn't seem to be plausible right now. The expenses here in the Philippines alone for MedSchool is horrendous, what more if I am in a foreign land? 


So yes, that's about it for tonight - I am dreaming and will still be dreaming of studies. That'll take me not only to far new greater heights in terms of knowledge, but of places as well. 


Scholarships, where oh where are you?  :(