When the reel comes close to real

“What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”

Luke 9:25

Recently, I've become addicted to the show Breaking Bad. For the lack of anything decent to do, I found myself running out of TV shows to watch. Lame, I know, but yeah, hashtag, story of my life. Haha So anyway, the characters the actors were portraying really intrigued me. They were able to portray the internal struggle the individual is having. Take Pinkmann for example, he might seem no-good, but he tries his best to do whatever he thinks is right. Despite his addiction and immoral ways, he is capable of feeling and caring. It was best portrayed when he lost his girlfriend through overdose. And then of course, there's Walter White. He started and tried living his life in order, played everything by the rules; and then, when he started production of illegal drugs (which, to his mind, is the only way he can provide for his family given the terminal cancer), he never knew just how much impact it'll have on his life. Initially of course, he was just doing all of it for money's sake, but eventually, the guilt ate up his whole being - consuming his soul, even.

Too much drama, action and cartel stunts aside, I guess it's the same way in all aspects of life - when we venture close enough to the edge, we'll never know just how much it'll burn us unless we cross the other side. It will always be a never-ending struggle between the tilt towards the righteous or the corrupt.

A friend of mine recently has gone estranged. Heck, estranged isn't even the word for it. I guess, alienated is more like it. I don't know exactly what happened, but I've seen the change before my eyes. When you care so much for someone, seeing that happen hurts no matter whether that person has hurt you intentionally or not. But yeah, seeing someone you truly care for get consumed like that hurts. For years, I've noticed the slow progression of this disease-like soul consumption and tried to warn him/her. Of course s/he didn't listen and continued on his/her wayward ways. To make the long story short, just like anything else in life, the friend has come to a point where s/he has nowhere else to move to - or has been totally burned, for that matter. Leaving nothing else in him/her left to burn. 

Perhaps s/he has been thinking about this for a long time and just shunned away all the feelings in the deepest closet of his/her being until it's no longer bearable. I guess, no one can hide from what's truly inside that long no matter how hard we try not to confront it. And so, after so many days and nights of struggling alone, this came out...

The cure for cancer, and the answer to world peace

Now that I got your attention, here it really goes. First, I can’t do Science and I curse a lot like ‘normal people do’. Second, I’ll just want to share the bug I found out recently in my brain. This is a glitch report to myself.

I find no satisfaction in everything that I do these past few weeks. I feel like there is an empty vacuum that needs to be filled-in in my life. And so I did found a sacred thing to augment this space in a form of a liquid called beer. But all it gave me is a hangover and couple of stupid moments. But it was fun, I never regret it. It’s just that it did not solve any of my concerns.
My problem, whatever it is, persisted. I tried to mask it with busying myself to work. Though it temporary rested my thoughts not to mention my boss being happy, at the end of the day it haunted me. And so I thought, I have to know what is happening to me. For all I realized, I am wasting my energy, my time and I am losing it like a cancer within my soul.
I started to wonder as I stare in the mirror. What has become of me? And I didn’t like what I saw.
For all that I have achieved in my life, I am thankful for it - it changed me almost completely. I embraced and nurtured the idea of this progress in my life. The time has fueled all of this, and realized I almost burned myself.
It is nostalgic that some four years ago, I am just your typical kid - just another face in the crowd. I am a carefree boy who doesn’t give a damn about what other people might say to my words and actions. I speak my mind and act according to my conscience. I cherish the freedom of my innocence.
Four years forward, here I am, a confused guy who is looking for the answers to the unknown questions; entangled to the chains and shackles on the way to the pursuit of true happiness - the product of bad decisions and lost friends.
The thing is, I almost forgot that kids’ life-fundamentals. Losing myself on the way to my dreams has become the dilemma in my story. I unlearned the basics of happiness to give way to more sensible ideals in achieving the “target”. Little by little it has become a trend and it defaced the value of my basic understanding of things. Until such time that I felt nothing but a machine.
Ambition has driven me to learn and achieve in life. And with this same ambition, I destroyed my personality. The cure to this, is not being a person with no ambition at all, but by looking back to the things that really makes you happy. One does not need to be the king, if what he really wants is to be the knight or the jester, perhaps. Look on the things that make you really happy, and not to those that you think will satisfy other people. That is one’s responsibility to himself to cure the self-inflicted cancer and make this world a tolerable place to live in.
I continue on this battle. I move forward to my dreams and looking back to the kid that once inspired it all.

There was once a point when I knew exactly what you were thinking and we can basically hear each other's thoughts out loud. Frankly, that's no longer the case now. As stupid as this may sound, I still get you. I still understand your pain and struggle. This may not seem much, but I hope I was able to help in some way. This little blog post may be the only thing you asked from me, but I hope I was able to make you feel better just by listening and still believing in the goodness in you. Do not worry, whatever you did or thought you did, the person I was with will always be the memory I'd keep coming back to. I just know, that you know deep down, that your best self is still there and will always be there.

A nudge from the past

I was fixing my bookshelf and I came across a lot of things from my teeny-bopper younger self. Haha well, one was this piece of paper from my favorite subject back in freshman year. 

Among the many activities SocSci1 has was this - our favorite thing in the world. And yes, since as long as I can remember, I've been loving the sky and clouds. I grew up looking at it; fell in love underneath it; and dreamt of lovely days. It has never failed to give me the calm I need in whatever situation I find myself at. Many skies, clouds, moons and stars later, seeing my favorite thing in the world again gave me a smile. And yes, a lot of memories as well. 

Looking back, I can't believe how this specific course has shaped my whole perspective. I have learned a lot about the society I was at. I was able to understand a lot of incomprehensible things that my high school self either didn't bother to think of or was totally ignorant of. I had a better understanding of the world with a set of keen eyes. That was the point where I first acknowledged the idea that it is really possible to fall in love with learning.

I remember fairly well one time at this same class, our professor, out of the blue, asked us what is currently running through our minds - just this one specific thing that we are thinking at that particular point in time. Of course most of my classmates gave bullshit answers like, assignments, getting high grades, their dreams, future careers; thinking giving out beauty-queen-like answers will make them look so cool and intelligent. When the question finally landed my spot, I answered truthfully. "So Edz, what are you currently  thinking?" My professor asked. A few seconds later, "A song," was the shortest and simplest answer I gave her. And she wasn't able to help herself and smiled. 

A few weeks after, the semester finally ended. When I finally got my class card, I was so happy to receive my first ever flat uno. But bidding my first year goodbye wasn't the best part of that. I happily stepped unto the next step with the youthful promise of endless possibilities, of dreams within arms' reach and a broader view of the world. I haven't been able to do this before but, I really would like to thank Ms. Briones for teaching me and opening my eyes. SocSci1 didn't feel like just a course I had to complete and pass then; it became a ground for change and provided me with values my character still holds on dearly until this very day.

A covert affair

Go figure.

A fathers' day open letter

Growing up, I never questioned your authority, dedication and hard-work to keep this family united, strong and bonded. During those times, however, never have I thought what you really meant as a father or what the word truly means, per se. I used to question your rules, broke them, even. I used to get irritated that you still had to drive me to every event I go to; and get even more irritated that you also fetch me no matter what time of the day. My childhood and teenage years passed without so much of thinking about you, your role in my whole being and how much you mean to me and all of us.

Then, college years came. I remember getting really excited of what lies ahead. You were always there by my side. As I have become so dependent on your driving skills, I never knew how to go on commute well. So during the times I have been processing my papers for entry to the University, you have always escorted and fetched me. And this continued on until I was a university student - for almost the whole duration of my first-year-college life, you have fetched and accompanied me. And then one time before driving me to school, out of the blue you told me, "Wag kang magpapa-api, ah. I know you're smart. Use that. Be street-smart. Boys, they tend to brag about girls they get. Baka mamaya, hindi mo alam, kung anu-ano na kinikwento nun sa mga kaibigan niya." and the only reply I was able to give was a laugh and a short response: "Hindi naman ako ganun". It must have been difficult for you to see your only girl grow; let alone, let her be off on her own. But that was what you did - you and ma. You just allowed me to grow and be on my own without having so much the need to tell me the restrictions because I know that you both trusted me, my judgment and my character.

Then, graduation came, and then one by one, you stopped doing the things you used to do for me. It came as a shock to me that one day, you urged me to learn how to drive. And then you stopped driving me around as often as you used to in my younger years. Then the rheumatism came, then the gouty arthritis and then the heart problem. That was when the realization hit me, "Uy, tumatanda na din ang mga magulang mo". I've always had this "superman" image of you. I always thought that the father I grew up looking up to will always stay as he is until I myself grow old and have children of my own. It never occurred to me until that point that hey, you also  gain years just as much as I do. Of course I know your age increases, but it never occurred to me just how much the additional birthdays have actually taken its toll until that time. And I guess, that's the point wherein I was finally able to see who you are to me and who you'll always be: my protector, provider, love and father. For the first time in my life, I have finally defined how much of a father you are in my life.

I love you and that goes without saying. I know you deserve everything in life but you have chosen to provide for us instead. I'm glad that at this point in your life, you already got to travel to three continents now. Soon, Pa, it'll be my time to give back. I know you never asked for this directly, but someday, I swear I'll take you to Egypt - your dream destination. You deserve this and more not only because you took care of me but because you have showed us just what unconditional love means. I love you and always stay healthy.

Taken during parents' European tour Dec, 2012 at Louvre Museum, Paris, France.
I love how the world still amazes you despite all the problems you've been facing.
We all need that in our lives, I guess, that awe and wonder that the 
world is still such a beautiful place. <3

During their visit at Familia Sagrada Church in Spain (Dec, 2012)
 You are truly one such big goofball.
I remember just to make us laugh when we were young, 
you often start dancing in front of us with or without music! Haha
And, not to mention that time when we were at the cinema,
watching Iron Man 3 and you suddenly fell asleep.
Normally, that kind of behavior is acceptable
but when you started snoring loudly, I swear, I had to
stop myself from laughing. Hahaha (And yes, you did this
for like 1/3 of the whole

Rome stop (Dec, 2012) during the European tour
I sometimes have difficulty in understanding just how much
of a free-spirit you are. During this tour, you didn't even get
to finish it just because you no longer want to walk
a long stretch of ancient buildings. Hahaha
That's just the point, pa!:D

Shoveling some snow at Ontario, Canada (Dec, 2011)
I love how amazingly hilarious you are. I remember mum telling us how you
happily do your own laundry during your whole stay there just because
you just stuff everything inside the washing machine and whoala! In a
few minutes' time, your clothes are all clean and dry. It didn't even bother you 
that for more than 50% of the time you were there, you were only home
because of your rheumatism attacks. Lol

Chillion Castle, Montreaux, Switzerland (Dec, 2012)
I'm still amazed at how much of a child you are still inside.
You used to say that you've always wanted to see castles in real life. And 
according to ma, upon seeing one, the only thing you were only able
to say was "ganito lang pala yun?" Hahaha!
The architecture and the age of structures didn't even
amaze you. :D

T*angina I'm gonna die

T*ngina I'm really really gonna die and burn in hell and get resurrected then burn again directly to hell.

I feel like cursing myself this whole day for what I think is a lifetime-worth of stupidity. Hahaha O.A. I know, but stillllllll. Hindi talaga ako makampante and I just know I have to blurt all these out right this moment kundi I'll blurt it out at anyone on the street. Hahahaha Okay, double O.A.

Pero kasi....

I went to school today. I was so excited because this was technically my first day of school. I thought my class was Surgery. Then, upon arrival, it was Psychiatry. So, I waited for the professor but none came until the end of the first period. Then another professor came, I went out because I thought it was for another subject but I swear, I kind of heard her ask if it was a second year class, "MED". Then, I went home but I still cannot put aside my professor. I was so certain I heard the word Med. So, I checked my schedule. And whoala, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THAT CLAAAAAAAAAAAASS. Whyyyyyyyyyyy?! Oh my goodness. So much for wanting to have a clean start this school year!!! My goooooooooosh. I feel so terrible. And even that can't describe what I'm actually feeling.

Oh gosh, I know I can't do anything about it as of the moment, but still, new school, new environment, new life, new me, and so far, I have accomplished nothing. As in zero, nada!

Lesson for the day:


2.) THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING. You should've really asked that seatmate of yours awhile ago. Damn it.

3.) Condition yourself. Vacation's over. You are a medical student. ALWAYS KEEP THAT IN MIND.

I know I don't have the right to make requests, but please Lord, I hope next week will be better. I need all the comfort and head-start that I can get.


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