Let me tell you about myself

I am just reacquainting myself with music recently. For the longest time, I have shunned my world of tunes just because I believe I'm too busy to even muster up a song or two. Then the moody episodes started, depression, loneliness, self-doubt and loss of self-control. Somewhere, I just had to stop myself from thinking about all too many things and just concentrate on that one thing that made me so nice and goody-goody before. I had to think for the longest time what has actually been missing in my life that has always relaxed and soothed my every mood. Then it hit me - music. For the whole duration of my college life, I don't think I have  seen it as a necessity to help me bring my A on the game. I've been concentrating so much on requirements that I have failed to recognize that hey, your demeanor and self comes first, it's the most important thing because without it, you'll end up accomplishing nothing. And so I did - accomplished nothing and found myself groping for some guidance just because I barely know myself anymore. I have been breathing and living each day just to finish my degree, accomplish requirements and get good grades. I was the worst kind of zombie there is. I came to and fro school without the slightest eagerness to learn, but just for the sake of getting by it.

I have missed out on a lot of things maybe because I have been busy making good conversations with people, eating out and having fun, or studying lessons, but that isn't a good excuse even. Well, they - my friends, for that matter - do so also but did not miss out on anything. They still find time to listen to music and know the latest buzz of things here and there. As I come to realize awhile ago, I have chosen to forget who I used to be trying my hardest to cope with everything. Well, even coping is an understatement. I have been trying all these years to be best in everything I do that whenever I fail, depression and self-rejection gets into me, thus shrouding myself more to a pit where the gates-man's no other than myself alone.

Lemme give you the perfect example.

I used to like writing poems. I write poems whenever there's time, inspiration, and just whenever I feel like. I like writing poems about love, most especially because there really is an innate romantic in me. I write whenever I'm in love and whenever a cute love story inspires me. I write about love even if I don't feel loved. I write about it because deep down, I can never refuse that belief in love and all it brings. I write about other things as well. I remember my highschool friends asking for poems - my poems. That felt good. It has always felt good knowing that  certain crowd appreciates your work. Then, self doubt started creeping in. I guess it started when I had my Humanities class back in College.

I had this professor that I really look up to. He can give you long lectures about anything without even buckling and losing words. He's too good that all his narrations start to feel memorized, only it really isn't. He's just one of those rare highly intelligent ones that can express everything he wants to say perfectly both in written and verbal ways. So, as we were having this one class late one afternoon, he was discussing about some prose we were asked to read at home, and suddenly, out of nowhere, kind of remembered something that he needs to tell us. That instant was one of those moments I just wish I was absent - skipped classes, went for a walk with the boyfriend, ate street foods with friends, hanged out at our favorite campus spot, or just practically doing anything, anywhere besides being on that class - or better yet, just not listening, texting or whatever so long as I am not able to hear what he was able to say. But then he said it anyway. He blurted it out, stinging every inch of me as if his greatness isn't enough to intimidate every inch of my being and suck the humanity out of me. Well, that's an overstatement, of course. But, yes, I heard him say "A poem is not a poem if it isn't two-dimensional. If you only have one meaning on your poem, then it isn't one... you are not a great poet if you can't at least bring 2 meanings at your poem". And that's the end of my being a poet. That also was the instant I've given up on writing just because writing poems, short stories, essays and feature stories kind of mean the same thing to me. The root of it all comes from one thing - my love for literature. And having someone slap me in the face with those sharp words was enough to suck inspiration out of me the way dementors use to. Then there were only crappy essays for school requirements and researches that followed suit. I lacked the creativity that I used to have. I lacked that belief in literature. I lost the feeling of fulfillment I used to have whenever I finish a work of art. For the nth time in my college life, I have let other people tell me that I am no good and there are a lot of others that are out there - far better than me

I have come to realize just now that I didn't just let it get into me because some award-winning, highly-acclaimed professor said so, but it was mostly because of this mentality I used to have - I have always wanted to best everything and everyone. Now, I have come to realize that being best at something isn't fulfillment at all. Being best at something may be a good thing at times, but it isn't equated with fulfillment most of the time. AND, one does not need to be best at EVERYTHING. So long as you are doing things that you love, it's enough, and who know's by practicing your craft, you might end up being the best in the long run, after all. 

So today, I have decided to bring that love of poetry back to life. I'll start writing again. There may be someone better than me at it, but that's not the point. There's just that small part of me that I have to resurrect for it has been submerged in the dark for the longest time. AND, for the past months, I've been downloading and starting to listen to tunes again. It does me good, really. Day by day, I am being in control of my emotions already, instead of it taking control of me. I must say, I am getting good at handling myself already. 

Now I know why a lot of people from other countries need shrinks to get back on life. And those geddem shrinks as Dr. Phil are making bazzillions of money out of it. It sounded absurd to my young self, then, but now I fully realize that we sometimes need an outsider's perspective to deal with our lives. We do sometimes need help because more often than not, we do not know how to handle other people's lives, let alone our own.

This alone time is actually doing me good. It has brought me back to my senses just in time before I lose myself again in the next coming months. Haha

I am,

a king,
because I know how
to rule myself.
~Pietro Aretino, 10 May 1537

DISCLAIMER: This post may have got you into thinking that I was an A-student, or that I studied my lessons diligently and have been the most responsible and studious student there is, Haha! I'm sorry but I was none of that. So please don't be blindfolded by it. As in all things in literature, it is fabricated for the greater good.

2010 is for finding myself

As anyone who knows me would know, I just get random thoughts in my head like most of the time. So just this morning, this random thought just popped into my head: No more envious episodes. No more wishing or half-wishing, for that matter, of someone else's life, things, everything. I have got to finally accept who I am (not that I still don't, but, FULLY ACCEPTING something is far different from PARTLY doing so). 

No matter the difference, that little self-rejection can pollute the whole of your being and life, in general. So yes, from this day forth, I am embracing (as in wholly) what life I have been given, what situation I'm at, what skills I am capable of doing. 

I just came to realize that this whole envying just leads me to hating myself and everything that I have when in fact I have a lot, and sometimes more than others. 

Come to think of it, I have been fully blessed and more this past year, most especially. But still, I have been busy wanting things I don't have that I often neglect the wonderful things that I do have. So yes, I am now done hiding under the shadows of my fears and doubts. 

Hello, new world of wonderful options! Hello, 2011!

Along with this, I would want to give my hands up to these wonderful ladies who have shown the world how great it is to be one's own self. You have made me believe that other people's perceptions about you are irrelevant so long as you are confident of your own skin.

1. Kendra Wilkinson 
I like her. I just love her. I know a lot of people don't because they've had prejudices against her since she's been a playmate on the girls of the playboy mansion, but, I just can't stop adoring her sense of humor and strength. She's shown the whole world how difficult and yet possible it is to break out of other people's judgments. Plus, I do enjoy watching her reality show. Haha

See, I even like the way she babbles about things. Haha!
2. Anne Curtis
I admit, she has  not been a personal favorite at first, just cause. Well, anyway, she is now, and even has a spot on my post. Well, I admire everything about this girl here. She has shown everyone how she can be good in her craft even if everyone else's had doubts. She used to be this wild party girl (or, that's how she was portrayed by the media), but she was able to come out of that - better and more beautiful. Today, she not only stands as an inspiration to women but to young adults and children as well. Talk about refinement.

3. Felicity
I know that she's just a fictional character, but I can't help but include her. Haha! She has shown everyone that she can do massive things by just believing in herself. She has shown that mistakes are part of one's life and committing them isn't a sin - it's all normal so long as giving up can never be an option. I love her optimism, her belief in life and all it brings. I have come to admire this woman when I was still an elementary student and am still in love with her up til this date. 

I have been meaning to finish this post for almost 3 months now but can't somehow do so. I just feel like it lacks something. Something that I cannot put a word into. Then, I stumbled upon this and figured this will be the best way to end a post as this. The last lady I'd like to give my hands up to is P!nk. She has been an inspiration to a lot of women and has continued to be one in the most unconventional ways. When everyone else's getting thin, I can't believe but admire her when she stood firm and said that she doesn't want to be one and she embraces that she's on the heavier and masculine side. She's the perfect example for self-acceptance and this song of hers couldn't have put it in the best way. 

And here's the second music video that landed on my blog.
Pink's Fuckin' Perfect.
Enjoy! :)

So, for all the young ladies out there, enjoy being you - different, fun and wonderful in all your ways. You may not know it, but someday, some way, you are going to be a breath of hope and inspiration to others by being just you.

Sweet Escape

One does not remember the last time, how long or how many times experiencing something unless it is experienced again. It has become so common of us to not take note of sweet simple gestures unless we have something to remind us of it - something to finally make us remember.

My day started unusually glum - I had to process requirements again for my admission and went through a rigorous screening for the application in the college of medicine. Take note, that initial screening is just for qualifying if I'm fit to take their exam. I do believe I'll undergo more extrenuous interviews in the future, not to mention the exam itself, before I even get to enter their prestige University. Imagine the tiredness, sleepiness, and nervousness I was feeling. Phew! Please don't even let me get started with that. So yes, I have not been having the greatest morning. I came home still kind of sullen and found nobody else around but our dogs. GREAT. Another reason to think much of the past events of the morning. But then, something caught my eye above our TV set. Upon looking at it, it has instantly made my day.

I have not come to realize that the last time I have received a mailed letter (as in snail-mailed, handwritten, and personally addressed to me) was when I was on the 2nd grade. And that was even from my bestfriend (I remember Monica was her name) at that time; and it was a subject requirement. Haha! But that still counts, right? Since then, all I've been receiving were letters here and there from school admissions, licensure exams and graduate/alumni stuff. Come to think of it, in my entire life, I've only received 2 letters - including this one I'm holding now.

For the longest time, I've not been surprised this much. I'm just so happy. The mere thought of having someone to go that extra mile than just greeting me on my birthday is enough to make me abashed. It's the sweetest thing, really. 
The letter's from one of my Japanese students. He gave me a greeting card for my birthday. The letter enclosed in it was just simple, including a lot of thank you's for all the help and birthday greeting. What touched me more was he still thought of sending me a card even if on the day of my gaiety is also the day he's undergoing a major surgery. I'm just so touched and overwhelmed. 

During these modern times, it has been made easy for us to communicate with anyone who's anywhere else in the world. So long as there's an internet connection, whoala! One is few clicks away from greeting, conversing and having fun with friends. But personally, I think no advance technology can beat that sense of on-hand experience one can have with seasoned ways. After 22 years, I finally received my second letter :)
Yes, the first thing I did upon seeing it was to pose for the camera!XD
Isn't this the cutest thing? :)
The card's made from cloth-like material.
Oopsie! Y'all have my address now. Haha!

Thank you so much my dearest Yozo-san for this wonderful letter. I'm really happy for it. It only proves that I have found a friend in you. :)


SARREH (n.) A slang word usually used instead of "sorry". A papansin way of asking for apology which is spelled phonetically just to emphasize how it is said. Usually found on Facebook and Twitter statuses and comments, and I think only common for the UPian community. 

So there, for those of you who do not know what the hell my title is. ☺

Anyhoo, I haven't been updating my blog more often than usual. I have really been busy running to and fro different places because I'm accomplishing requirements for school admission. The deadline's on the 29th so, I am trying to complete everything ahead of time instead of cramming it. I think that's the best way to start my schooling again to plummet my way to the top. Hahaha Just kidding. So, if I get a few extra hours these coming days, maybe I'd get to post one of these (as I have been thinking a lot about 'em):

  • Our dogs
  • My birthday Celebration (I know how delayed this one is. Haha)
  • Things I learned from my students
  • the year so far 
There, I guess you guys just have to stay tune for these upcoming posts. Haha! Feeling may followers na marami?XD So anyway, for now I have to leave you with this: 

Matisyahu (Feat. Akon) - One Day

I'm not so much of posting videos to my blog entries, let alone 
music videos, but I just can't help but fall in love with this song.
I think this'll be my mantra for my whole 2011. ☺

 ♫ Sometimes in my tears I drown,
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds,
I know someday it'll all turn around ♫

It has been a happy day, indeed! Someone decided to give me a visit to make up for not showing up on my birthday! Haha!

I love it when Sam shows up here. It's just a breath of fresh air - something new from my cyclical life. Well, we never do something utterly special whenever. We just goof around, watch television (or a movie if there's a decent one), go to the nearest mall and eat out. For today, I think we've kind of highlighted that last one on the list - we just ate a LOT of things today. Haha But whatever, forget that reducing diet I've been planning to do just last week. It has always been appetizing to eat with this guy. Haha

The best part is, I get to have two new reads today! Yehey!

These are great additions to my Classics Collection ♥
You know how long I've been meaning to buy
Love in the Time of Cholera.
On a personal note: Thanks so much Sam, for these babies. Something extra, extra to top off our special day together. :) I loooooovie you! Til next time! Mwuah! <3

A little humility doesn't hurt, people!

I really hate people with some ere of kayabangan. They're just everywhere, lurking around, broadcasting themselves, and seem to can't get enough of water from the fountain of arrogance.

Someone told me to look at it differently. Okay fine, so this is my best attempt at understanding them.


... they're just being misinterpreted? By those reading them - literally and figuratively. Well yes, that may be the most plausible explanation there is, but then again, what if arrogance shows not only once, twice nor thrice, but every-freaking-time? Well, then maybe, just maybe, their chests' not high enough to carry their heads.

... they don't mean to be arrogant, that's just the way they were raised?
Oh please?! How can someone raise another with all the arrogance in the world? Don't look at me. I don't know either. And I know not one person who wants his/her child to be as arrogant as ____.

... erm... uhm... Okay, so I ran out of reasons. Maybe you guys out there can just help me out in here. Maybe you have better thoughts as to why these people turn out the way they did and act the way they do. (And maybe, you can also teach me as to how to better handle these sort of people because to be perfectly honest, I'm running out of patience).

Oh why haven't been they acquainted with you, Mr.Frank Lloyd Wright?
Or better yet, why haven't they read The Old Man and the Sea
or at least opened the page that speaks of

Goodbye 21!

Last few minutes of being a 21-year old chic. (Haha did I just say chic!XD)

Anyhoo, I have so much to thank for this year. It may sound too cliche, but it has indeed been a bumpy ride for me. I've had trips every now and then to the "Shame Box" as in the movie Despicable Me but I've also had some erm, plights of successes, as I would like to call it. :)

I've had a blessed year, indeed. And I must say, I've never felt more myself than the past months. This year has truly been for finding my true self and probably, for the first time in years, fully accepting it.☺

So for my 22nd year of existence, yes, I am excited for you, and no, I no longer wish to be an eighteen-year-old again. :)

I'm getting good at this

I started my year by refusing yet another job. Haha. I know, I've been sullen and depressed for the last days of the week over this matter and yet, there I was, neglecting job offers - AGAIN. But that's okay. I'm happier where I am right now. At least now, I have already figured out what I really want in life and where I'm headed.

Well, this started off last week. I was so glum and I really can't seem to push away the fact that I'm just stuck at home and with nothing but a part-time to do and fret about (but even that was not something to fret about. My students are just so kind. ☺), and all my friends seem to be moving on with their lives. So, in an instant, I decided to go at Alabang and walk-in at every hospital and get myself a job. I told myself (and Sam), that the first hospital to accept me would be the hospital I'd be working with for the first few months of the year since I have to eventually quit in time for Med School. So... there, I gathered all my things, found a decent thing to wear and went to Alabang.

When I got off the van, I really thought it wasn't my day at all - I'm wearing a pricey heel and it was raining that side of the world. So, I hurriedly went to the two nearest hospitals - Asian Hospital and Ospital ng Muntinlupa. I found myself entering OsMun just because its entrance is nearer, thus, an instant cover-up from the rain. What followed suit is honestly, totally unexpected...

I met up with the in-house Dietitian who was so thrilled to see me. "Kailangang kailangan talaga namin ngayon ng Dietitian! Hulog ka ng langit!" (We are really in need of a Dietitian right now. You are heaven-sent!). What more, after seeing my resume, she was thrilled twice over. She was just not expecting a UPian will be up for a job like that, I think? And yes, at that instant, I was told I'm hired. No formal interviews, just a few chit-chats about life and all other things. Before leaving, I was just told to wait for their call regarding the details of the job and to meet with the owner.

Woah! Imagine the thrill I had. The adrenaline was just unexplainable. I remember asking myself, how can I be this lucky with job-huntings? Well, this has only been my 2nd time to actually apply for a job - you know, as in going in an office and having myself interviewed? And a first time to just fully rely on my luck and God's grace. It was a great experience, actually. Just the right one to knock me back to my senses and make me think straight again.

Initially, I was thrilled - with the thought that I was instantly hired; next, I got scared - with the responsibilities that goes along with the job description; then, I thought it through for three whole days; and finally, last Sunday, I came up with a decision. I am no longer going to accept the job.

Well, don't hate me, please. I just couldn't do it. I figured, I still have to fix a lot of things for Med School and if I want to see myself in that path, I better start moving and remove all distractions. I finally realized that I'm pressuring myself for nothing. I've chosen this for a long time and until now, it is still my choice. Working two jobs at a time and getting ready for medicine school would be suicide. Why worry about being left out when I'll have my own time in the near future? And why worry in the first place? What is there to worry about? That I'll come out as a failure to other people? I'll be a disgrace to my people because I still do not have a full-time job? Well, that job offer was a wake-up call and an esteem-booster in a way. It's my way of making myself feel that no, I'm not one loser and yes, I can easily get a job if I want to.

So this year, to hell with you, fears, doubts and all worries. I'm going to do my thing and make you all see that I am where I really want to be. ☺

This year, I'll start thinking more of the "now" than worrying
too much of the future - like the yoga mantra kind of thing

Yung PI

Honestly, nakalimutan ko na kung ano yun. Haha I think I say bad words a lot. Kaya, this 2011, I vowed to cut on cussing. Maybe that'll help to change the world somehow.:D

Know me more. All you have to do is ask :)

kasi im just an option. lol. ang lalim! haha

Awww. Gia, you are not JUST an option. You are the choice. :) Haha Ano daw?XD Pero seriously, don't think that way. You are channeling negative thoughts. New Year na! Sayang ang ganda,wag magpakalungkot!:D

Know me more. All you have to do is ask :)


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