Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Too lost for a title
The gravity of the situation's just starting to sink in. How could I have let this happen? I have allowed myself to be so down and depressed to the point where I have taken away my own future. Never have I been this uncertain in my life before. If worse comes to worst, do hear that I WILL BECOME A DOCTOR - NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.
Some days are just really bad
Yesterday started with the most disturbing news my medical career has yet to slap me in the face with. I won't be bothering you with the details for now because I still don't know if I still get a chance to improve it whatsoever, but let me start this post by saying I fervently hope so. :(
It's a wake-up call, really. I have been neglecting a lot of things this past months that I tend to be lax and slack about things. For some reason, my 'letting-go-of-negative-things' border lined being apathetic of things. It sucks, really. I feel so horrible, to say the least. I feel so f*cking ingrate to my parents, most esp. And above all, I feel a pang of guilt. Dumbass move. Stupid. Careless.
Oh well. What's done is done. I can never turn back time, I just have to learn from it. I was not a born fighter, but I was molded into one and yes, I'm not letting go of this just yet - not without a fight, anyway.
Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. My fate and succeeding steps will be determined by tomorrow meeting's outcome. I just do hope everything turns out the way I hope it to be. Oh gosh. I'll do everything to get it all back. But I couldn't and now, I just have to live with it.
Vague, I know but please bear with me. It's really shameful to blurt out this recent misfortune. That's all for now, folks. I do hope you're all having a better time. I sincerely do. ☺
P.S. Yesterday too, my father has been in and out of the hospital. Well, for the past couple of days, actually. It'll mean so much if you can say a prayer for him, you know; or include him in yours. That'll be really nice and will mean so much to me. And for that, I thank you all in advance
It's a wake-up call, really. I have been neglecting a lot of things this past months that I tend to be lax and slack about things. For some reason, my 'letting-go-of-negative-things' border lined being apathetic of things. It sucks, really. I feel so horrible, to say the least. I feel so f*cking ingrate to my parents, most esp. And above all, I feel a pang of guilt. Dumbass move. Stupid. Careless.
Oh well. What's done is done. I can never turn back time, I just have to learn from it. I was not a born fighter, but I was molded into one and yes, I'm not letting go of this just yet - not without a fight, anyway.
Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. My fate and succeeding steps will be determined by tomorrow meeting's outcome. I just do hope everything turns out the way I hope it to be. Oh gosh. I'll do everything to get it all back. But I couldn't and now, I just have to live with it.
Vague, I know but please bear with me. It's really shameful to blurt out this recent misfortune. That's all for now, folks. I do hope you're all having a better time. I sincerely do. ☺
P.S. Yesterday too, my father has been in and out of the hospital. Well, for the past couple of days, actually. It'll mean so much if you can say a prayer for him, you know; or include him in yours. That'll be really nice and will mean so much to me. And for that, I thank you all in advance
Helluva Traveler
Don't let the title fool you. I'm really not one, honestly. Being a traveler would mean fearless commute sessions, marvelous visio-spatial memory, and in constant lookout for that natural high adventures bring. I'm not all of those. And maybe now's still not the time to be even one of those. But, traveler or not, I was in 4 places last Saturday and unbelievably spent some time in each.
The adventure (sort of) started in Puerto Galera. It was my last day for that stay and was having trouble saying goodbye. No one can't blame me, actually. Sam and I haven't been spending that much time together lately because of all the reasons in the world and have decided to take a leave and just take a vacation. But since time immemorial, bad luck seems to love me that every time I visit, I sort of pocket rain with me. So whoala, my whole stay there, it was raining. And mind you, it has been one heavy shower of raindrops. So anyhoo, yes, it was my last day, morning, and breakfast in Puerto Galera. And by 10:45am I was aboard a boat, sailing towards Batangas port and of course, the sun is shining already above me. And just between you and me, a sun tan is kind of a little too late. *Sigh*
I arrived in Batangas around 11:30am and spent the whole time in that area travelling on-board a bus this time. I haven't slept much during that travel. I was kind of thinking more of the things that passed and the things to come so yes, I pretty much had a lot in mind.
Then, I spent a couple of minutes in Manila, fixed a couple of things at the dorm, got rid of some and then another couple of minutes to relish the aircondition before hitting the sunny streets again. And the last place of course is Cavite (which is where I'm at as I'm writing this post).
So there you have it, the adventures and misadventures of this ole miss last March 24,2012.
__________________
As I sat there staring at the vast sky, I realized one thing: I NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY. It has been awhile since I enjoyed and was contented. There was a time that I enjoyed everyday of my life no matter how difficult circumstances were. I miss that. And the blue sky and sea brought me back that longing. Certainly, I am at loss right now - I am frightened at how unpredictable and shady the future is. I am miss planner. I never leave my bed without having a clear-cut idea of what I'm doing for the day and the days to come. Heck, I had plans even during my bummest days. And so, naturally, this little missy inside me is panicking and fearful for the lack of one. Somehow along the way I have lost the sense of purpose. And I know it's not good. With this age and the world passing by me, time is definitely of the essence. And knowing that I have already wasted a whole lot of it trying to figure out my place in the world, is not very comforting. So maybe, just maybe, I need more skies and more seas and more staring to finally figure out what to do.
The adventure (sort of) started in Puerto Galera. It was my last day for that stay and was having trouble saying goodbye. No one can't blame me, actually. Sam and I haven't been spending that much time together lately because of all the reasons in the world and have decided to take a leave and just take a vacation. But since time immemorial, bad luck seems to love me that every time I visit, I sort of pocket rain with me. So whoala, my whole stay there, it was raining. And mind you, it has been one heavy shower of raindrops. So anyhoo, yes, it was my last day, morning, and breakfast in Puerto Galera. And by 10:45am I was aboard a boat, sailing towards Batangas port and of course, the sun is shining already above me. And just between you and me, a sun tan is kind of a little too late. *Sigh*
I arrived in Batangas around 11:30am and spent the whole time in that area travelling on-board a bus this time. I haven't slept much during that travel. I was kind of thinking more of the things that passed and the things to come so yes, I pretty much had a lot in mind.
Then, I spent a couple of minutes in Manila, fixed a couple of things at the dorm, got rid of some and then another couple of minutes to relish the aircondition before hitting the sunny streets again. And the last place of course is Cavite (which is where I'm at as I'm writing this post).
So there you have it, the adventures and misadventures of this ole miss last March 24,2012.
__________________
As I sat there staring at the vast sky, I realized one thing: I NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY. It has been awhile since I enjoyed and was contented. There was a time that I enjoyed everyday of my life no matter how difficult circumstances were. I miss that. And the blue sky and sea brought me back that longing. Certainly, I am at loss right now - I am frightened at how unpredictable and shady the future is. I am miss planner. I never leave my bed without having a clear-cut idea of what I'm doing for the day and the days to come. Heck, I had plans even during my bummest days. And so, naturally, this little missy inside me is panicking and fearful for the lack of one. Somehow along the way I have lost the sense of purpose. And I know it's not good. With this age and the world passing by me, time is definitely of the essence. And knowing that I have already wasted a whole lot of it trying to figure out my place in the world, is not very comforting. So maybe, just maybe, I need more skies and more seas and more staring to finally figure out what to do.
 |
| Taken during my first Puerto Galera trip (Feb, 2011) |
I'm getting good at this
I started my year by refusing yet another job. Haha. I know, I've been sullen and depressed for the last days of the week over this matter and yet, there I was, neglecting job offers - AGAIN. But that's okay. I'm happier where I am right now. At least now, I have already figured out what I really want in life and where I'm headed.
Well, this started off last week. I was so glum and I really can't seem to push away the fact that I'm just stuck at home and with nothing but a part-time to do and fret about (but even that was not something to fret about. My students are just so kind. ☺), and all my friends seem to be moving on with their lives. So, in an instant, I decided to go at Alabang and walk-in at every hospital and get myself a job. I told myself (and Sam), that the first hospital to accept me would be the hospital I'd be working with for the first few months of the year since I have to eventually quit in time for Med School. So... there, I gathered all my things, found a decent thing to wear and went to Alabang.
When I got off the van, I really thought it wasn't my day at all - I'm wearing a pricey heel and it was raining that side of the world. So, I hurriedly went to the two nearest hospitals - Asian Hospital and Ospital ng Muntinlupa. I found myself entering OsMun just because its entrance is nearer, thus, an instant cover-up from the rain. What followed suit is honestly, totally unexpected...
I met up with the in-house Dietitian who was so thrilled to see me. "Kailangang kailangan talaga namin ngayon ng Dietitian! Hulog ka ng langit!" (We are really in need of a Dietitian right now. You are heaven-sent!). What more, after seeing my resume, she was thrilled twice over. She was just not expecting a UPian will be up for a job like that, I think? And yes, at that instant, I was told I'm hired. No formal interviews, just a few chit-chats about life and all other things. Before leaving, I was just told to wait for their call regarding the details of the job and to meet with the owner.
Woah! Imagine the thrill I had. The adrenaline was just unexplainable. I remember asking myself, how can I be this lucky with job-huntings? Well, this has only been my 2nd time to actually apply for a job - you know, as in going in an office and having myself interviewed? And a first time to just fully rely on my luck and God's grace. It was a great experience, actually. Just the right one to knock me back to my senses and make me think straight again.
Initially, I was thrilled - with the thought that I was instantly hired; next, I got scared - with the responsibilities that goes along with the job description; then, I thought it through for three whole days; and finally, last Sunday, I came up with a decision. I am no longer going to accept the job.
Well, don't hate me, please. I just couldn't do it. I figured, I still have to fix a lot of things for Med School and if I want to see myself in that path, I better start moving and remove all distractions. I finally realized that I'm pressuring myself for nothing. I've chosen this for a long time and until now, it is still my choice. Working two jobs at a time and getting ready for medicine school would be suicide. Why worry about being left out when I'll have my own time in the near future? And why worry in the first place? What is there to worry about? That I'll come out as a failure to other people? I'll be a disgrace to my people because I still do not have a full-time job? Well, that job offer was a wake-up call and an esteem-booster in a way. It's my way of making myself feel that no, I'm not one loser and yes, I can easily get a job if I want to.
So this year, to hell with you, fears, doubts and all worries. I'm going to do my thing and make you all see that I am where I really want to be. ☺
Well, this started off last week. I was so glum and I really can't seem to push away the fact that I'm just stuck at home and with nothing but a part-time to do and fret about (but even that was not something to fret about. My students are just so kind. ☺), and all my friends seem to be moving on with their lives. So, in an instant, I decided to go at Alabang and walk-in at every hospital and get myself a job. I told myself (and Sam), that the first hospital to accept me would be the hospital I'd be working with for the first few months of the year since I have to eventually quit in time for Med School. So... there, I gathered all my things, found a decent thing to wear and went to Alabang.
When I got off the van, I really thought it wasn't my day at all - I'm wearing a pricey heel and it was raining that side of the world. So, I hurriedly went to the two nearest hospitals - Asian Hospital and Ospital ng Muntinlupa. I found myself entering OsMun just because its entrance is nearer, thus, an instant cover-up from the rain. What followed suit is honestly, totally unexpected...
I met up with the in-house Dietitian who was so thrilled to see me. "Kailangang kailangan talaga namin ngayon ng Dietitian! Hulog ka ng langit!" (We are really in need of a Dietitian right now. You are heaven-sent!). What more, after seeing my resume, she was thrilled twice over. She was just not expecting a UPian will be up for a job like that, I think? And yes, at that instant, I was told I'm hired. No formal interviews, just a few chit-chats about life and all other things. Before leaving, I was just told to wait for their call regarding the details of the job and to meet with the owner.
Woah! Imagine the thrill I had. The adrenaline was just unexplainable. I remember asking myself, how can I be this lucky with job-huntings? Well, this has only been my 2nd time to actually apply for a job - you know, as in going in an office and having myself interviewed? And a first time to just fully rely on my luck and God's grace. It was a great experience, actually. Just the right one to knock me back to my senses and make me think straight again.
Initially, I was thrilled - with the thought that I was instantly hired; next, I got scared - with the responsibilities that goes along with the job description; then, I thought it through for three whole days; and finally, last Sunday, I came up with a decision. I am no longer going to accept the job.
Well, don't hate me, please. I just couldn't do it. I figured, I still have to fix a lot of things for Med School and if I want to see myself in that path, I better start moving and remove all distractions. I finally realized that I'm pressuring myself for nothing. I've chosen this for a long time and until now, it is still my choice. Working two jobs at a time and getting ready for medicine school would be suicide. Why worry about being left out when I'll have my own time in the near future? And why worry in the first place? What is there to worry about? That I'll come out as a failure to other people? I'll be a disgrace to my people because I still do not have a full-time job? Well, that job offer was a wake-up call and an esteem-booster in a way. It's my way of making myself feel that no, I'm not one loser and yes, I can easily get a job if I want to.
So this year, to hell with you, fears, doubts and all worries. I'm going to do my thing and make you all see that I am where I really want to be. ☺
 |
| This year, I'll start thinking more of the "now" than worrying too much of the future - like the yoga mantra kind of thing |
A fresh start is what I need (goodbye laziness and comfort zone)
 |
The future is something so undecipherable that most of us often wonder and worry as to what it beholds for us. I, for one, am one of the many people who thinks about the future more than I do at the present. I am afraid of what's in store for me and that's one thing I am not very much proud of. I tend to worry more of what will happen to me tomorrow that I often forget to live at the present. I tend to plan too much of the things that I still do not have to begin with. I want a lot of things in life but I just can't seem to get myself make that one small step to bring me closer to those dreams. I have become so afraid that moving doesn't seem to be an option anymore - I tend to only succumb in my comfort zone making it impossible for me to really live and experience the world, and take risks. I know I want a lot of things in life but I'm not fighting a fare battle by NOT GIVING LIFE WHAT IT DESERVES - myself.
Days of rest turned into weeks and now it has almost been a month. It is tiring to see the world go on without you. It is frustrating to see how fast other people's lives change and have only yours dwindling every second in one end of the world - your world. You tend to envelope yourself in self-pity and belittling. You even start to refer to yourself in the 3rd person to lessen that pain and shame by being so incompetent and of no use.
Yes, I've been there, and I'm tired of being in that sole place. It is somewhere I wouldn't want to find myself after a few more days (or months, for that matter). So, thank you This Is Manila.tumblr.com for inspiring me. This photograph of yours spoke to me in more ways than one, not to mention the caption you have presented it with. These frustrations has got to end. These self-doubts and fears need to disappear. I am ready to take on life in a newer perspective. I am now more than ready to take a risk and try my luck. I am competent, I just lack that inner drive and desire to move my ass. Because seriously, what is there to be frustrated about when you do not do something about it in the first place? How can I be so depressed when I don't even have that courage to job hunt? All I have are these urges to get a life and own it but am not actually taking that step to really have it.
So, yes, world, I'm ready to take my take on you. I am more than ready to experience you. And I am now ready to make a move and take that one step.
It started with one thing, which led me to another thing that ended with a whole different thing
My day started unusually - or rather, just not the usual just because I'm actually doing something productive today. My friend and I have finally decided that it is time to make a jobstreet account to finally find somewhere to apply to if not to land us work. So, the constant clicking and searching and reading, led us to bestjobs and we before we knew it, we were browsing through interesting jobs that we can finally call ours.
And then it hit me. I suddenly thought of med school and browsed on CEM's site instead. I was initially excited to learn that the NMAT will be held this Dec.12th already because at last, my initial step to med school's nearing fulfillment. Showers of thoughts and dreams transpired through me - after long years of waiting, my childhood dream's almost within a hand's reach. At last, I'll be within the comforts of studying again. But, like all other daydreams, it was puffed into thin air the way a child blows his birthday candles away. All the fears and doubts started creeping in. My hopeful heart began to sink and my confidence and morale were gone amiss before I even had time to grab them. I now fully realize and admit that I am in fear of the days to come. I am scared of Med School and all about it.
For the longest time I was quite sure of what I wanted with life - with my life, that is. I have constantly painted and repainted what I wanted for my future and what career to pursue. I have always wanted to be a doctor. I have always been quite sure that I will enter med school and in 6 years' time will finally be of service to my fellowmen. But why am I shuddering about the thought now? Why do I feel like I am about to run from everything any minute I am obliged to face it? It is quite queer, I know. And even as I write this entry, I still feel every doubt scarring the whole of me. I feel so incompetent and unready. I don't feel fit to enter that vast world. I am fearing the next few steps and the life I'd be faced with once I get there.
I just feel that I will no longer be able to pursue all my plans. I have wanted to work while studying, to support myself, but after reading all blogs about med, of it being too difficult to handle, I started having second thoughts about myself too. What if I'm really not fitting for this kind of world? And then there's also the thought of "What will I do then, if I don't pursue medicine?". Having noticed that there are little job offers in my profession, I started to get scared of failure and the future, per se. And these little evil thoughts gave birth to another and another, and another until I can contain it no more.
*sigh.
I guess there is nothing easy on this world. Not one thing can be achieved in a snap. I have to work my way through to get the life I have been dreaming of for me, my family and my future family. There is no time to get scared of all the responsibilities and hardships. After all, I've been facing quite a few and have came out better all the time. So maybe I just need to get a grip of myself and focus on my dreams. It is but stupid to throw away everything because of small, baseless fears. I have to try things first. And, if I'm really not for that kind of stuff, then that's the only time I have to rethink and invite other plans. That's the only time to change. For now, I have to re-focus and take things slowly, one at a time.
Now that's enough for my thinking aloud.
And then it hit me. I suddenly thought of med school and browsed on CEM's site instead. I was initially excited to learn that the NMAT will be held this Dec.12th already because at last, my initial step to med school's nearing fulfillment. Showers of thoughts and dreams transpired through me - after long years of waiting, my childhood dream's almost within a hand's reach. At last, I'll be within the comforts of studying again. But, like all other daydreams, it was puffed into thin air the way a child blows his birthday candles away. All the fears and doubts started creeping in. My hopeful heart began to sink and my confidence and morale were gone amiss before I even had time to grab them. I now fully realize and admit that I am in fear of the days to come. I am scared of Med School and all about it.
For the longest time I was quite sure of what I wanted with life - with my life, that is. I have constantly painted and repainted what I wanted for my future and what career to pursue. I have always wanted to be a doctor. I have always been quite sure that I will enter med school and in 6 years' time will finally be of service to my fellowmen. But why am I shuddering about the thought now? Why do I feel like I am about to run from everything any minute I am obliged to face it? It is quite queer, I know. And even as I write this entry, I still feel every doubt scarring the whole of me. I feel so incompetent and unready. I don't feel fit to enter that vast world. I am fearing the next few steps and the life I'd be faced with once I get there.
I just feel that I will no longer be able to pursue all my plans. I have wanted to work while studying, to support myself, but after reading all blogs about med, of it being too difficult to handle, I started having second thoughts about myself too. What if I'm really not fitting for this kind of world? And then there's also the thought of "What will I do then, if I don't pursue medicine?". Having noticed that there are little job offers in my profession, I started to get scared of failure and the future, per se. And these little evil thoughts gave birth to another and another, and another until I can contain it no more.
*sigh.
I guess there is nothing easy on this world. Not one thing can be achieved in a snap. I have to work my way through to get the life I have been dreaming of for me, my family and my future family. There is no time to get scared of all the responsibilities and hardships. After all, I've been facing quite a few and have came out better all the time. So maybe I just need to get a grip of myself and focus on my dreams. It is but stupid to throw away everything because of small, baseless fears. I have to try things first. And, if I'm really not for that kind of stuff, then that's the only time I have to rethink and invite other plans. That's the only time to change. For now, I have to re-focus and take things slowly, one at a time.
 |
| Every once in a while, it's nice to spill to the world the thoughts I usually keep for myself. |
Now that's enough for my thinking aloud.
About Me
- edzdeline
- I'm trying to get my balance as I fidget my way back to the world.
Facebook Badge
Such a bookworm
Thank you for visiting!
