“What good is it for someone to gain the
whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”
Luke 9:25
Recently, I've become addicted to the show Breaking Bad. For the lack of anything decent to do, I found myself running out of TV shows to watch. Lame, I know, but yeah, hashtag, story of my life. Haha So anyway, the characters the actors were portraying really intrigued me. They were able to portray the internal struggle the individual is having. Take Pinkmann for example, he might seem no-good, but he tries his best to do whatever he thinks is right. Despite his addiction and immoral ways, he is capable of feeling and caring. It was best portrayed when he lost his girlfriend through overdose. And then of course, there's Walter White. He started and tried living his life in order, played everything by the rules; and then, when he started production of illegal drugs (which, to his mind, is the only way he can provide for his family given the terminal cancer), he never knew just how much impact it'll have on his life. Initially of course, he was just doing all of it for money's sake, but eventually, the guilt ate up his whole being - consuming his soul, even.
Too much drama, action and cartel stunts aside, I guess it's the same way in all aspects of life - when we venture close enough to the edge, we'll never know just how much it'll burn us unless we cross the other side. It will always be a never-ending struggle between the tilt towards the righteous or the corrupt.
A friend of mine recently has gone estranged. Heck, estranged isn't even the word for it. I guess, alienated is more like it. I don't know exactly what happened, but I've seen the change before my eyes. When you care so much for someone, seeing that happen hurts no matter whether that person has hurt you intentionally or not. But yeah, seeing someone you truly care for get consumed like that hurts. For years, I've noticed the slow progression of this disease-like soul consumption and tried to warn him/her. Of course s/he didn't listen and continued on his/her wayward ways. To make the long story short, just like anything else in life, the friend has come to a point where s/he has nowhere else to move to - or has been totally burned, for that matter. Leaving nothing else in him/her left to burn.
Perhaps s/he has been thinking about this for a long time and just shunned away all the feelings in the deepest closet of his/her being until it's no longer bearable. I guess, no one can hide from what's truly inside that long no matter how hard we try not to confront it. And so, after so many days and nights of struggling alone, this came out...
The cure for cancer, and the answer to world peace
Now that I got your attention, here it really goes. First, I can’t do Science and I curse a lot like ‘normal people do’. Second, I’ll just want to share the bug I found out recently in my brain. This is a glitch report to myself.
I find no satisfaction in everything that I do these past few weeks. I feel like there is an empty vacuum that needs to be filled-in in my life. And so I did found a sacred thing to augment this space in a form of a liquid called beer. But all it gave me is a hangover and couple of stupid moments. But it was fun, I never regret it. It’s just that it did not solve any of my concerns.
My problem, whatever it is, persisted. I tried to mask it with busying myself to work. Though it temporary rested my thoughts not to mention my boss being happy, at the end of the day it haunted me. And so I thought, I have to know what is happening to me. For all I realized, I am wasting my energy, my time and I am losing it like a cancer within my soul.
I started to wonder as I stare in the mirror. What has become of me? And I didn’t like what I saw.
For all that I have achieved in my life, I am thankful for it - it changed me almost completely. I embraced and nurtured the idea of this progress in my life. The time has fueled all of this, and realized I almost burned myself.
It is nostalgic that some four years ago, I am just your typical kid - just another face in the crowd. I am a carefree boy who doesn’t give a damn about what other people might say to my words and actions. I speak my mind and act according to my conscience. I cherish the freedom of my innocence.
Four years forward, here I am, a confused guy who is looking for the answers to the unknown questions; entangled to the chains and shackles on the way to the pursuit of true happiness - the product of bad decisions and lost friends.
The thing is, I almost forgot that kids’ life-fundamentals. Losing myself on the way to my dreams has become the dilemma in my story. I unlearned the basics of happiness to give way to more sensible ideals in achieving the “target”. Little by little it has become a trend and it defaced the value of my basic understanding of things. Until such time that I felt nothing but a machine.
Ambition has driven me to learn and achieve in life. And with this same ambition, I destroyed my personality. The cure to this, is not being a person with no ambition at all, but by looking back to the things that really makes you happy. One does not need to be the king, if what he really wants is to be the knight or the jester, perhaps. Look on the things that make you really happy, and not to those that you think will satisfy other people. That is one’s responsibility to himself to cure the self-inflicted cancer and make this world a tolerable place to live in.
I continue on this battle. I move forward to my dreams and looking back to the kid that once inspired it all.
There was once a point when I knew exactly what you were thinking and we can basically hear each other's thoughts out loud. Frankly, that's no longer the case now. As stupid as this may sound, I still get you. I still understand your pain and struggle. This may not seem much, but I hope I was able to help in some way. This little blog post may be the only thing you asked from me, but I hope I was able to make you feel better just by listening and still believing in the goodness in you. Do not worry, whatever you did or thought you did, the person I was with will always be the memory I'd keep coming back to. I just know, that you know deep down, that your best self is still there and will always be there.
