I swear.

And I light this candle for the posts that never made it; the thoughts long gone; the ideas that should've been; the pictures long forgotten; and memories that were never ingrained.

From this day forth, I promise as in promise to update you as much as possible, dear blog.



Haha ang arte lang. Still making the most out of my sem break. :)))

Some days are just really bad

Yesterday started with the most disturbing news my medical career has yet to slap me in the face with. I won't be bothering you with the details for now because I still don't know if I still get a chance to improve it whatsoever, but let me start this post by saying I fervently hope so. :(

It's a wake-up call, really. I have been neglecting a lot of things this past months that I tend to be lax and slack about things. For some reason, my 'letting-go-of-negative-things' border lined being apathetic of things. It sucks, really. I feel so horrible, to say the least. I feel so f*cking ingrate to my parents, most esp. And above all, I feel a pang of guilt. Dumbass move. Stupid. Careless.

Oh well. What's done is done. I can never turn back time, I just have to learn from it. I was not a born fighter, but I was molded into one and yes, I'm not letting go of this just yet - not without a fight, anyway.

Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. My fate and succeeding steps will be determined by tomorrow meeting's outcome. I just do hope everything turns out the way I hope it to be. Oh gosh. I'll do everything to get it all back. But I couldn't and now, I just have to live with it.

Vague, I know but please bear with me. It's really shameful to blurt out this recent misfortune. That's all for now, folks. I do hope you're all having a better time. I sincerely do. ☺







P.S. Yesterday too, my father has been in and out of the hospital. Well, for the past couple of days, actually. It'll mean so much if you can say a prayer for him, you know; or include him in yours. That'll be really nice and will mean so much to me. And for that, I thank you all in advance

FINALLY!

I would just like you to know that your stalking days are over. One more move, and I just might see you in court. :3

Anti-cybercrime bill now a law-criminalizes bashing

Not a movie junkie but

"Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured,if the entire world is one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And you have to be here for some reason too."  -Hugo, 2011

And I'll end this long weekend with this. We do find inspiration on things we unexpectedly encounter. All in all, this has been one rejuvenating weekend. I hope you guys had a great one as well.

♥,

 edz

♥

And it's nice to know that now we're in a better and happier place. ♥ ☺

Meet my Cousin - Joy! ☺♥☺

For the first time in more than a year, I finally have a dorm buddy in La Manile! :)

Photo edited by Joy :))

Ito nga pala si Joy ang aking Ka-sin...

Ka-

...sama kumain
...sabay mag-aral
...sabay mag-almusal
...samang mag-grocery
...sabay pumasok
...sama magpuntang bakery
...sama sa puyatan
...sabay mag-dinner
...text pag wala sa dorm
...usap pag free time
...tawanan everyday
...sama mag-sound trip
...tulad sa pagka-adik sa pictures

...sabay pag-uwi every saturday

...ramay pag stressful ang araw ♥ 

Dahil sa kanya, ang buhay ay mas masaya kahit nasa nakakastress na Maynila. =)

From flood to glad ♥

This day marks the worst flood I have so far experienced in Manila - it's as if my eyes were actually wading the flood - there was just water everywhere I looked. Yes, it's shocking, but most of all, kadiri. 


I came to class without sleep (the reason will be discussed at a later blog post as I want this to be my week's highlight) and still ever hopeful that things will turn out better despite the irritation that's already welling up inside me. And you know what, despite the fact that for the first time, I crossed Manila's flood water, almost got stranded while going home; and all the hassle this typhoon/LPA brings, I'm still amazed as to how this day turned out to be.

Photo courtesy of Yen. :))

5 total strangers offered and gave me help without second thought. I didn't expect that there are still a lot of amazingly wonderful people remaining in Manila. Everyday, I'm exposed to perverts, self-centered, egocentric, and materialistic people - helping is at the bottom of their list, if not none at all. Thank you random stranger #1 for helping me cross City hall just so I won't get immersed in flood water; stranger #2 for being a great barker and finding a big stone for me just so I can ride the jeepney to school without having to immerse my feet in the water; stranger #3 for being the best jeepney driver ever by really stopping over at PLM's entrance so we (your passengers) won't have to walk by the flood just to get to school; stranger #4 for fetching me a cab when I got stranded - without you, I wouldn't really have gone home; stranger #5 for being a kind driver and not asking for too much money in return of your services. Again, I am more indebted to you all. Thank you and may God bless you and your family more today and the days to come. :)

This July: Don't you worry...♥

...because even if life offers problems difficult to handle than it seem;
...because even if sometimes we rarely find time to be at peace even with our own selves;
...because even if we encounter people highly different from ourselves;
...because even if stressors in life are everywhere;
...because even if delegated tasks are more than what your two hands can bear;
...because even if we don't get to have everything in life;
...because even if we don't get to be always with the people we love;
...because even if we don't always get what we want;
...because even if it's too difficult to be thankful and grateful for blessings;
...because even if life places you in roads where optimism is too difficult to find;
...because even if we often fail;
...because even if others look down on us;
...because even if frustrations get the best of us;
...and because even if no one understands exactly the difficult shit we're at...

...as Bob Marley puts it, "every little thing's gonna be alright"

...and because you're the only one with the capability to actually ruin or make your day. ♥

On being sad

Sadness is one of the emotions I let myself get consumed in (at times I admit, too much than it should). It's not a very good habit, but I'm trying (my best) to break it now. Sometimes, though, there are instances that just can't make me let go as if all the bad memories that comes along with it drown my whole being. I'm trying, I really am. This is some kind of a rehab for me so please, I'm begging you, don't make me relapse. I don't want to be in that place again. I want to be happy, if not happier - I deserve to be.

Yey! Finally!

I haz a new printer!:))) I'm so happyyyyyyy! No more photocopies, overpriced printing, and expensive books!!!

Amazingly cheap and highly functional

Le printer in action

Don't you just love the colors? :))

Please excuse the crappy photos as that's the best thing my camera phone is able to supply. Finally, I have something I truly need. I'm getting more and more excited for you, 2nd year!:))

"P*ta, Puppy, puppy ka pa diyan!"

Today, I had my first ever Internal medicine class and my professor was hilarious! When I entered PLM, I was exposed to stiff, scary and rigid (or maybe my younger self was just overwhelmed) doctors that I never thought quirky and fun ones are out of the question - today, I was proven wrong. Thought for the most part, I was nervous of being called for recitation, I was more amused than so, I guess. I've never heard professors cuss in medicine until today and it feels great. It makes me feel like I'm back in UP where education is not so structured and freedom of expression is highly encouraged. It's the 4th day of classes today and somehow, I feel at home. ♥

*********

It's quite unconventional to be together and not at the same time. Confusing, I know, but I guess that's what sets this thing apart - we have been idiosyncratic from the start and we're not afraid to take on things others have never even considered.

I want this more than winning Lotto

As of the moment, I am not interested in anyone else's reply but of Georgina Wilson's.

Please, please, please, let me be one of the lucky winners of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I've always wanted to buy that book long before it was thought of being made into a film. :))

Failures and first days

Today was our first day of classes. New school year, challenges, adversities, learning, and all the stuff schooling brings. It's quite exciting and baffling at the same time. I still can't believe I'm on my 2nd year now. Time flies swiftly and difficultly in medschool. I don't know what to make out and expect of this school year, but I must say I am definitely more prepared than I was last year. To start with, I already have a dormitory so I wouldn't have to commute to and fro school each and everyday (as I have during the first few weeks last year).Secondly, I came to class with a fairly sized notebook with ample amount of leaves (as my last year's was a little too tiny for a subject's one year classes). And most importantly, I am not that scared anymore.

For today, our professor gave us a lengthy but (generally) inspiring lesson: EMBRACE FAILURES. For most people, if not all, failure is such a scary bitch. We dodge it when we see it approaching, hide it when we get it, and we always aspire to be what we think of as perfection. We always fail to recognize that success is not the loss of mistakes - it's quite the opposite. As cliche as it may sound, a great football player isn't made until he learns how to stumble and fall.

I am one of those people. I have always aspired to become the best without having to show my weaknesses and shortcomings. I have always neglected and hidden them, thinking that if I keep on doing so, they will all just cease to exist and I'll be as perfect as I can be. Of course, it didn't help. If it hadn't been for the pressure that med brings, I wouldn't give in. It is never embarrassing to admit one's limitations and capabilities, after all.

So now, I welcome all the adversities, hardships and challenges this school year brings. I now know that it is okay to accept that one is having difficulty - no road to success is easy. So bring it on! I may not be able to handle it all magnificently, it's okay. As long as I learn, I'm already quite happy with that. I may not always be strong, but that's okay; others will provide what I lack in me. Optimism may not be always the road easiest to take, but this year, I'll try. As long as life is worth living, everything is worth trying. ♥

Soldier, fighter, knight?

A friend recently (as in just a few minutes back) told me that I'm being "strong". Wow, that's new. All this time I thought I'm being just the opposite - weak. Come to think of it, that's a new way of looking at things. I thought this is what desperate and hopeless people do; turns out, it's an act of bravery. I guess not being all too consumed by the pain is in fact a form of bravery, e? Well, of course I feel pain; I feel it every single time I am at loss of something to do physically, or whenever my mind rests from keeping every other aspect of my life in place. I feel pain and of course I'm not happy but I guess the good thing about that is, I relish the pain whenever it comes - I don't run away from it. I cry when I feel like crying; I ponder upon things when I feel like there's something I'm not truly getting. And of course, I'm blabbering again. I just can't seem to keep my thoughts as flaccid as it used to be. But, maybe I am brave. Maybe I can really do this on my own, only I'm too scared to face things as they are now.

Whatever this situation brings, I thank God for today's book finds. I spent a total of only <200Php on supposedly 1000Php books. And of course for a wonderful day spent with a dear friend over dinner, coffee and a great conversation. <3

The maid stories...

I've been quite busy these past few days, hence the ala-hiatus status of my blog. I've been meeting-up constantly with friends and doing lots of things on the side. It's funny how this summer changed me a lot compared to all the summers of my lifetime combined.

This summer, I have finally put my theory to the test. Every time people tell me I can not cook, do household chores, and all homemaking stuff, I always counter them with, "Hindi sa hindi ako marunong; hindi lang ako nabibigyan ng pagkakataon" (It's not that I don't know how; I'm just not given the opportunity to do so). Such a witty answer, don't you think? Bwahahaha Until the very last fight, someone kept pestering me about how much of an incapable future mother I'll become. So for all of you, here's my form of retaliation.

For someone who has aspired to become the best (future) mother/wife, it hurts to be branded as such. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of plans for my future and being a great mom is just one of it. I mean, I don't constantly think about being one on a daily basis, BUT, I make it a point that it's one of the end points my path is leading to. For the longest time, I have consoled myself on the fact that I have swept floors, dusted furniture, mopped floors, chopped vegetables, cook dishes, washed clothes at least twice my entire life. So, I think it's fair to claim that I know how to do all of them. Hoho

This summer, for the first time in my existence, we found it difficult to replace our househelp. Well, if you're following me on twitter, you may have encountered my post about our beloved househelp, Ate Jess. Her tita took her to pay-off her family's debts. I know it sounds cruel, but it's not as bad as it seems. She'll be back with us in two-year's time. So while she's away, we needed a replacement; but, somehow getting one is such a pain in the ass. Looking for a trustworthy maid has been difficult, if not more than frustrating. Just for this month, we have already been conned twice. It only goes to show that there are really a lot of poor people in our country nowadays who find it easier to trick people out of money. Anyway, to make the long story short, we still haven't found a replacement until now and for almost a month, I've taken the role of house-help in our house. :))

I never knew keeping a household would be this fun. For some reason, I find it fulfilling - maybe because I am assured that I am doing something worthwhile of my time. Yes it's tiring, more so, time-consuming, but that's the mere essence of summer vacations, isn't it? You have so much time to spare and this summer, I opted to spend it cleaning the house, ordering my brothers around (hehe), walking the dogs, cooking, folding washed clothes, and just about everything to make sure that the house is in order while my parents are away.

This summer has made me realize that I can really do all things only if I let myself to. And the greatest thing about this experience is I'm learning these skills and at the same time, about myself as well. It's not that difficult to love all the cleaning, I figured. There is still a whole lot room for improvement, but finally I got to test my skills on this field. I can survive on my own, after all! Haha I used to be scared of it, but now, can't wait to be a full-blown independent lass. ☺

Read between the lines.

It's not even about forgiving or forgetting.

It's totally not about getting back and vengeance.

It's more about self-respect - or whatever's left of it.

"Que Sera Sera"

For the first time, I feel all heavy on the inside but can't seem to muster up a decent thought or two. I can't even get the inspiration to write when I know for a fact most people will (given the situation). What a fucked up life. Good thing the maid has gone AWOL. I have lesser time to dwell on my feelings. What better way to console oneself than to bury all the problems with house chores? Cheers to allaying things one day at a time!

Readers, beware

This is totally a mushy, cheesy, call-it-whatever-you-want post.

Proceed with caution.

Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

***********

I often spend my day daydreaming about....

...having a picnic date with you again (it's been years since we last did that)
...spending even just one day together without any work, acads or problems to think about
...talking with you under the shades of Freedom Park
...eating out at a decent restaurant with you
...cuddling
...our next travel adventure
...having long conversations with the imaginary you
...stress-free, carefree day for us
...sand, sea, sky, swimming, you
...permanent meet-ups
...coffee dates
...food trips
...long walks under the moonlight
...the rush of cool breeze under the stars as I sit beside you on a pavement
...simpler and less complicated life

I want all these and more but I guess I just can't have them at the moment. So, for the time being, all I'm left with are my thoughts and the need to pour the frustrations out.

*********************

So, as I was digging up our sites, I got hold of these. I don't know what is it with Januaries but it sure is one lucky month for us I think:

The wind was cold and heavy.. The night was quiet.. We stopped at the sidewalk to talk.. We both did a little talking.. She gave me more tears than words..
About 30 months and 2 days ago we vowed to love each other forever.. Along the way are struggles, pain, suffering, what have you.. We surpassed those.. We are happy.. We are proud.. I love her.. She loves me.. I thought we were perfect.. I thought love is enough.. What I thought to be just right for 30 months and 2 days is not enough.. Love is not enough to make this relationship work..
Between the line 'I love you' are spaces.. Spaces that need to be filled with responsibility and care.. Both of which lack within me.. I know for 30 months and 2 days she persisted.. She was happy but within her, she was crying.. In the end I realized that it was I who has a problem.. The only problem is me.. I cannot blame her for being mad at me.. I am mad at me too..
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in an opportunity.. An optimist sees an opportunity in every difficulty". This is the time to look at things in a different way.. This is my chance to once again prove my worth.. Only and only if the door is not yet closed..
I love her.. And I am sorry..(Jan.18, 2009, 1:54am)

One of our most kadiri shots together. We do have a loooong history. Haha

CONTENTMENT.. A word which shoud've not existed?

(January 23, 2010)

As they say, people will never be contented. The word's existence in our dictionaries reflects how human aims for the ideal which is a strike to the moon so to speak. People will also look for better things. A better car. A better house. Even a better partner. And I was never an exception to this human nature.

Indeed they are right. I can never be contented. However, I still found some exceptions.

About four years ago, I met someone who gets better and better everyday. She never fails to make me laugh at her silly jokes. She always manage to bring a crack of smile out of me every time that I refused to do so. She gives me a double-beat whenever I saw her smile, whenever I feel her skin. She always break the ice out of my frozen situations. She made me fall in love and fall deeply more in love everyday.

I know people might call me a fool. But I'd rather be a fool than hide this evidences which clearly showed me that the word CONTENTMENT is not a fallacy.

I found my exception. I found you. I love you and I want you to know how contented I am

Ah, the breath of young love. :))

...you have always had that sweetness inside of you that just melts every teardrop away. Gosh, how many times can I reiterate I'm missing you badly? :(

You and your mad drawing skills! Crazy! Haha (Meet monkey cutie, Sam and I's stuffed baby)

And as I end this post, I didn't expect to see this. Another reminder that as difficult and tough this relationship has been, the element of laughter and fun has never left us. I just wish to get to be with you again for real.

Week 1.1

I may not have understood and approve of all your means, but I'm beginning to understand now.

It just proves your affection - how much you'd like to change for the better not only for yourself, but for us. Thank you. No one has actually done that for me before. And that's not the best part yet. I guess the best part of these all is being motivated to grow and actually being allowed to grow. There are room for errors, but there can never be enough room for improvements.

This may not reach you soon enough, but THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME ASPIRE TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON. ♥

Today's haul

To keep me from spending, don't let me near any bookstore, thrift bookshops and of course, book sales. 

The need and motivation to study is the best excuse to buy a couple of school supplies and stash in additional books for my collection. :)

Blame it to National Bookstore and BookSale ☺

P.S. Today I spent more for books and supplies than clothing and make-up. My impulse to buy books is unbelievably stronger than my drive to buy toiletries and kikay stuff.