2012 is for the adversities: A tell-all - annotated

One will never know his strength unless he is at his weakest.

If I can summarize this year in one word, 'challenges' comes to mind.. I have been made to face endeavors not only on the academic aspect of my life but in my family and relationship as well - which, as anyone of you can guess, comprise the most part of my being. In short, my year has been one emotional turmoil.

It was difficult. But even difficult is an understatement. I have cried tons of tears this past year if that can be a gauge on how hard things became for me.

1st Quarter (January-March)
I remember trying to fight to keep my spot in medschool at the start of the year. Medschool has definitely been the most mentally challenging path I embarked on. Never in my life have I had difficulty in studying to the point where there came a time when it already border-lined depression. Most of the time too, I tend to ponder if this is really for me. Am I really where I'm supposed to be because for the longest time, I just don't feel at home. I have never felt I belonged here, actually. But, as all things in life, this has been my choice and I just have to suck it all up, because difficulty is not enough reason to stop anyone.

I got a grip on myself and was finally able to pass all my subjects. During these times, I realized that one can only go as far as he'll let himself. My own self was my biggest adversity. The main problem? Thinking too much. The main solution? Focusing on the things that needs accomplishing.

2nd Quarter (April-June)

Depression, loneliness, frustration, and long-distance relationship never adds up to a good sum. For the first time in almost 6 years, Sam and I broke up for more than a month. Up until now, I still cannot pinpoint the main reason, but I guess we just both got burned out along with the agony of not being together. I was at fault for that break-up, I confess. Sometimes, when we're too focused on our goals, it is easy to lose ourselves. I let my depression get the whole of me. I changed for the worse and I dragged the relationship along with it. Knowing that it is I who has fault wasn't easy either. I was the one left with all the what-ifs and could-have-beens

Then, summer vacation came. I tried focusing what's left of me and made it into something greater. The time alone helped me focus on myself. I cultivated, nurtured and molded myself into the person I am right now. I first targeted the depression by reading self-help books and reflecting on the areas of my personality I wanted to target. Then, I allowed myself to enjoy household chores and cooking. I rekindled with old friends and started counting blessings instead of frustrations. In short, I had a make-over, so to speak. ☺

3rd Quarter (July - September)
And of course, just as the 3rd quarter started, Sam and I got back together. Haha I knooooow. I told you, it was one helluva chopsuey-like emotional turmoil for me. Haha Along with the start of a new school year, my love life held promise of a tabula rasa. It initially wasn't that smooth as we're still both broken and hurt from all the things said and done, but we were able to somehow get over them and was happy. Although, I never thought that that happiness can only be short-lived.

4th Quarter (October - December)
This I guess had to be one of the most difficult things I had to face this year. My dad has been in and out of the hospital for almost a whole month. For the first time, I have seen him so helpless and just plaintive. It literally broke my heart. The realization of my parents aging started creeping in. Why do we have this tendency to think that the world just stops the way we remember it? I have been too focused on myself that I have forgotten the fact that it is not only I who grows.

Then semestral break came. I have been given the most shocking news I have yet to receive so far. I need an extra year. Until now, I still haven't made up my mind on how to deal with that, but what the hell. I still need to pass my subjects this year before I deal with that demon. Haha

On top of all that, before the year ended, Sam and I broke-up for good. I caught him cheating. I didn't see that one coming, really. It just wasn't him. But, enough of that. We have talked about it just a few days ago and we have settled things between the two of us. It was a sigh of relief, actually. All I really needed was the whole truth. It's difficult to explain as of the moment, but, what is done is done. I still may not have accepted the whole fact as it is, but I'm getting there. And I think that's what's important and what I need most right now. And now I know, what we both need is to heal. And who knows, maybe after all the pain, regret and suffering has ended, true love still prevails. I hope so. I really do. ☺

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That's basically how my year has been - a complete set of crazy, but important just the same. I still haven't faced and dealt with a lot of the things here but this 2013, I'm hoping for breakthroughs and solutions. I am a strong believer that these things were given for my growth as a person. Cheers to better and bigger things! HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! ♥ ☺ ♫ ♪


P.S. I basically edited the contents of this entry as I have been so sabaw while doing this, the timeline's just so confusing, hence the mix-up of dates. I have actually been itching to edit this a week after I wrote it but I haven't had the time (not that I have all the time now). K, I'm mumbling all to myself again. Ciao for now!
-edz (3/18/13)