Reminders

I went to the supermarket today and remembered our KDocs days. Just a few weeks back, I remember myself planning on having weekly grocery trips with you. "Very soon," I thought, "soon enough you'll get to have moments like that again. Just a little more patience."

I cooked lunch for two days in a row now. I remembered how you've always wanted to have me cook. I remembered the joy cooking brings you as well. I remember your sinigang, adobo and ubod all too well. You would've been proud that I find cooking enjoyable now. You would've been proud to taste the pink salmon and cordon bleu I made. I'm sure you would've.

I saw an old picture of us together. It now seemed like a distant past, vaguely remembered, but brings back happy memories just the same. We were happy together. That I'm sure of. People envied what we had - wanted and prayed for it, even. And now, all that remains are blurred pain and fuzzy lines. We could've gone too far. We could've heard those bells ringing for us. We could've had that white day, filled with friends, family and love. We could've ridden that white horse to eternity.

As I lay in bed tonight, I can't help but wonder how you've been. I guess on my part, I'm holding up pretty much fine - better than what I'm expecting, but still generally not okáy. I can't help but wonder what goes on in that marvelous brain of yours. Deciphering it used to be a challenge for myself, way back. You used to be that sole person I cannot manipulate. It's funny, but that's what made me interested in you initially. And now, I can't help but think what is left of whatever we had. I guess I still cannot bear the thought of having to move past you - having to walk alone in another path.

Everywhere I look in this wee little world of mine, there seems to be a reminder of you and who you used to be. Starting a whole new world without you is close to impossible right now but wherever this leads, hopefully, I get to be happier in the end. I have now come into terms with the fact that I can never ever forget you. That, my dear is really impossible. It's like asking me to remember somebody I haven't even met. I guess for now what I have to learn is how to dissociate you from every happy detail, circumstance, situation, what-have-you in my life. Because right now, not having you beside me isn't empty at all - it's just sad, sadness in its entirety.